Ten Celeb Guys Who Need to Make a Porno!

…Not necessarily do they need to make a porno ‘together’ but that would be pretty epic, if ten of the hottest, –or not so hottest (some of the people in this list are just for the sake of curiosity), screwed each other on tape. I’d be all over it; if they were selling, I’d buy, and then seek autographs of participants. Hell, I’d probably buy a few copies, because you know that shit would get scratched after the first 2 billion viewings at every single social event I ever had in my life. Including visits from plumbers, UPS deliveries, and the pizza guy. Not to mention the other 2 billion times I watch it on my own, with or without vibrator in hand.

Should these ten celeb guys ever make porno movies (not those bullshit 2 minute clips, or accidental junk slips caught on cam, but good, 20-30 minute dirty sex on cam), I will definitely need you to donate to my vibe battery fund. Keep an eye out people!

10. Benicio Del Toro – From Wolfman, to frigging Dr. Gonzo, to some guy who kidnaps Alicia Silverstone in an old 90′s movie I can’t even remember the name of, Benicio Del Toro is effing hot!!! Admittedly, the fact that Benicio is drop dead sexy gorgeous, is actually a hot debate amongst gay men and females, but as far as I’m concerned, no argument. And I desperately want to know how big his dick is, just for the sake of facts. I bet he’s hung like a donkey. Supposedly, he was once caught screwing some chick on an elevator security camera; not only is he hot, he’s freaky!

9. Steve Buscemi – Yes, I know, totally weird choice, but I think the guy’s probably a kink-monster in disguise. He just looks like someone with a dungeon, and a secret sex lab. Several women have told me about secret crushes on Steve Buscemi, and I can see the attraction. He’s hilarious, and balls to the wall bizarre, –both looking and acting. John Cheese compared Steve Buscemi and Paris Hilton in his Top Ten Celebrity Sex Videos Nobody Wanted to See post, and Steve Buscemi came out hotter. So I guess, his sex tape would be much more well-received. So Steve, hurry up and make one before you’re eating Viagra like M&M’s just to jerk off.

8. Gary Busey – Come on, he’s only 65! I bet he’s manic as hell in bed, and if Gary Busey doesn’t make a sex tape, I’d settle for his son, which brings me to…

7. Jake Busey -  Sorry, but this is for all the girls who ever saw the shower scene in Starship Troopers, and wanted more! Jake Busey was hot in Home Fries too, when he played insane Angus (typecast much?), beside Luke Wilson as his brother Dorian and Drew Barrymore. I love that Jake has all the sharp, spunky weirdness of his dad, but a much more attractive face.

6. Kiefer Sutherland – Unfortunately, Kiefer needed to make the video in the late 80′s or early 90′s, when he was really, extremely, pussy-wetness-inducing sexy.

5. Patrick Stewart – You can’t possibly tell me there aren’t women out there who never fantasized about Dr. Xavier, or Captain Jean-Luc Picard; a giant bald English man! And hey, he might be old and crusty now, but at one point he was buff!

4. Crispin Glover – Old Crispy is one of those people who are just endlessly creepy; his soft-spoken demeanor, fondness for bizarre show tunes, and lanky form just scream: Rapist in a dark alley! But still, he’s hot. His latest role as the flirty knave in Alice in Wonderland with an affinity for “largeness”, only further increases his mystique. Porn with Crispin Glover? Yes please! Unfortunately, the only thing close to Crispy porn is him chasing around his ‘dream girl’ in Simon Says.

3. Christian Bale – One of Bale’s prime shortcomings, at least in my book, is his violent temper; not long after his debacle with the lighting director on the set of Terminator: Salvation, he assaulted a female relative. But still, despite his temper, he’s hot. So he makes it to the number three spot. Christian Bale’s charm, hot looks, and tendency towards violence makes him this generation’s Billy Idol.

2. Leonardo Dicaprio – Not counting his role in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?, Leonardo Dicaprio almost always portrays a devilishly sexy young rogue, and though we’ve all heard rumors about his package, or lack thereof, who doesn’t want to see it? Just to make sure? I’d probably settle for just seeing his butt, especially after being teased with that sweaty scene in Titanic. Kate Winslet, you lucky bitch.

1. Johnny Depp – Obviously! His films have inspired various pornographic re-makes, and every straight man alive has nothing to say about Depp, aside from gay jokes, –obvious signs of jealousy! Johnny Depp has been in plenty of risque scenes, but for some reason, just never made the leap into porn. If you have the exact measurements of Depp’s package, plus proof of its size, or video evidence of an existing sex tape, please, direct us to the facts!  Inquiring minds need to know!

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