Dirty Mag

The first two are things that totally got my juices flowing back when I was at my most hormonal. Believe it or not guys, girls watch porn too. And when I was a kid, I’d sit down in the basement, desperately trying to focus on what what happening on the jumping frames on channel 98. To this day, I have no idea what the name of this channel was, –but it most certainly was not Skinemax, because you could see all the good bits. Whereas, on Skinemax, you find yourself moving your head around, actually trying to look behind the strategically placed potted plant. Channel 98 was responsible for my first self-achieved orgasm; thank you, jumping and scrambled porn channel.

And weird porno… well, I don’t actually mean weird porno movies, so much as, the days when you had to put porn in a VCR, and the tapes were usually sticky and hidden under your parents bed. I miss porn that had a story to it; Jenna Jameson has been in a few weird ones. I remember at one point seeing a porn in which there were centaurs and nymphs running around. You don’t see stuff like that anymore, in live-action porn anyway.

Daisy Duke, the Catherine Bach version, my first girl crush, mostly because my parents insisted on watching old TV, –later on, I’d fall for Xena and Gabrielle, and fantasize about Amazonian threesomes. But my first lezzy crush definitely involved Daisy Duke, and at 14, I even owned a few pairs. I still do! Cut-off denim shorts that climb pretty high, –not quite ‘hot-pants’, but close, –came from Daisy herself, and for a year or so, I thought about getting in those shorts just as much as the next bisexual teenage girl.

..if the porn doesn’t technically show any genitalia… It does show, however, the nifty situations, and positions. Like you know, a girl with her head between a guys legs… and fully exposed… backs. It’s weird, but definitely erotic. It’s like they took porn, and cut out all the images of cocks, tits, pussies, and even anything remotely close, and photographed what was left. And it does still manage to be sexy… gosh, it’s almost like reading an erotic novel. Your brain kinda does all the work. It makes me feel more perverted. But that’s okay, because while it might not be masturbatory material that I’d choose for home, it’s definitely good for the office. Now all I have to do is master the art of pulling my hand out of my skirt super fast! I wonder if Jackie Chan can help?

I visit the Rule 34 website enough to know that there’s porn for everything, but I’ve got to admit, a live-action porno featuring Marge and Homer is a new one for me. I can’t see big blue hair and yellow skin getting too many people off, but hell, everyone has their kinks.

From the press release:

The hottest celebrity couple of all time has finally done it…and recorded themselves doing it! Marge & Homer Simpson and some of their most well-known neighbors have cum to life in the Celebrity Sex Tape that has to be seen to be believed: SIMPSONS: THE XXX PARODY!

Full Spread Entertainment & LFP Video are proud to present the Celebrity Sex Tape that will leave you saying, “D’oh, I just ejaculated in my pants.”

Yesterday I wrote about how Spencer Pratt is going public with some naughty videos he has of his soon-to-be ex-wife Heidi Montag and how Heidi acted SO devastated on her Twitter when she heard the news – Yeah, that didn’t last long. Heidi has stopped “crying” over her sex tape long enough to talk business with Vivid Entertainment and now stands to cash in big. Legendary porn star veteran Jenna Jameson spoke on this, saying that she never bought Heidi’s victim act.

“Why do people do porno tapes, sell them, make boatloads of money, then LIE about being victimized. I know one girl who sold her tape herself,” Jenna tweeted.

“@SOFTBLUSHcom I know one of the girls that acts so prim and proper and sold her tape to get famous. The others I just speculate,” she continued. “I own up to my porn, I don’t cry and say my boyfriend stole it.”

Kim Kardashian called her sex tape “humiliating” even though got a $5 million settlement for it. Kendra Wilkinson gave teary interviews talking about her “extremely embarrassing” sex tape after it earned her millions. Then there’s Danielle Staub, who said her sex tape was “coming around for a reason,” try as she might to stop it.

Yea, I am right there with Jenna on this one. They lie and then cash in.

So, the iPhone 4 includes FaceTime, a video conferencing feature. Can you guess where I’m going with this? The adult industry is tapping into the iPhone’s video conference feature, already posting ads on Craigslist searching for naughty models for these types of chats, and even offering a free iPhone 4 for those who get the jobs. Yup, now you can get more than dirty talk on your phone, you get video too.

Unfortunately for super squeaky-clean Apple, it’s strict no porn policy for their apps won’t work here. There’s no way they can regulate FaceTime, it’d be like trying to regulate who you make a phone call to.

Either way, FaceTime could revolutionize the video sex chat industry, allowing independent sex-chat workers to do their own thing, without having to pay for a computer-based service.

Vivid Entertainment, the world’s leading adult film company, has announced Vivid-Superhero, a new division of their company that will specialize in making adult films based on classic superheroes. Under of the direction of Axel Braun, the company already has a handful of ideas.

“The parodies under this new imprint will pay tribute to the world’s most popular comic heroes,” said Steven Hirsch, Founder/Co-chairman of Vivid. “Axel already started pre-production on a parody of Superman, which will be followed by those of The Green Hornet, Spider-Man, Wonder Woman, Captain America, Thor, and The Incredible Hulk. We made the decision to create the imprint after working with Axel on “Batman XXX: A Porn Parody”, an Axel Braun Productions movie to be distributed by Vivid. Axel truly did an amazing job with it, and we agreed that together we could mine the really rich treasure of superheroes and have a lot of fun doing it.”

These upcoming films will no doubt go one of two ways – the hardcore fans will either get pissed off that Vivid is screwing up something they love, or they’ll be filled with pure bliss at the thought of watching Superman fuck.

Hmm… I bet in the movies it won’t be web that Spiderman shoots out.
Man, all the sexual innuendo, puns and jokes to make thanks to these upcoming flicks. It’s too easy.

When most people think of ‘sex on the beach’, they think, romantic black and white movies, the waves, the smell of the ocean. When practical people think of sex on the beach, they think sand in the crotch, horrible abrasion, and the smell of dead fish, –from the ocean, not the girl, hopefully. But when educated, informed people think of sex on the beach, they think of typhoid fever, Hepatitis A, and dysentery.

And those are just a few of the things you can get from screwing on the sand. You see, the ocean is a breeding ground for all kinds of bacteria; some of the nastiest stuff, comes from the fish shit, bird shit, and inevitably, polluted waste and human shit that gets dumped in our oceans, –all that rises to the surface, and is washed ashore in the waves. The sand works as a filter, pulling the nastiness out of the water, so that the few remaining aquatic creatures we haven’t killed yet with pollution, can survive another decade or so. Then people come along, and have sex on the sand. And all sorts of delicious bacteria, ends up both in and on the body. So maybe those 1920′s people with full body swimwear, had the right idea.

Many people are familiar with the incredibly correct classic “The Internet is for Porn,” while most are actually unaware that it’s part of a broadway production called Avenue Q that features puppets screwing each other, dropping f-bombs all over the place, and busting into songs, such as the above mentioned “The Internet is for Porn,”  “If You Were Gay,” and “Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist,” just to name a few of the choice tracks from the show.

The story follows Princeton, a starry-eyed English major in the mean, unclean filth filled streets of New York. Characters he interacts with, like Lucy the Slut are supposed to cook up a politically incorrect statement about real issues like sex, homelessness, and joblessness.

If you can believe it, things like musical Sesame Street-spoof style puppet porn, violence, and profanity has actually been done before in the lesser known classic from Peter Jackson, –Meet the Feebles, is probably his dirtiest little secret. It features dancing, singing, screwing, murderous puppets in a stage show called, of course, ‘Meet the Feebles.’

There are some musical scenes, but only one repetitive musical number. The hardcore bondage scenes featuring a cow and a cockroach being filmed in a basement by a rat, are just a few of the film’s various sexual travesties. Another choice frame shows a walrus sticking it to a slutty cat, or yet another, a jiggling, past-her-prime hippo trying to score with the walrus. It’s sick, hilarious, and sticky, white loads of fun. If you can’t make it to the theater, rent Meet the Feebles till Avenue Q cums to you!