Dirty Mag

Eva Mendes may not be much to look up from the neck up (in my opinion anyway) but there’s one thing she is good for. She’s got some big, hot tits and loves to show them off! Eva has appeared topless many times. In 2007 she did an ad for PETA where she appeared nude with the tagline, “Fur? I’d rather go naked.” And the world agreed, we’d rather she go naked too. It was also in 2007 that Eva did a nude photo shoot with Flaunt Magazine but she said after doing the shoot that even though she was nude, she was still completely covered and you wouldn’t be able to see anything.

But she’s obviously not worried about letting us see her perky nipples, as you can tell with these photos. And not only do I love that pic of the tray on top of her boobs because well, you can see her boobs. But I just think that’s such a cool pic! And can you imagine how hard her nips must have been after taking that cold, clear tray off her bare boobies? Just goes to show that sometimes, it might be after the photo shoot when things get really interesting!

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So often we see celebs that star in a huge role and then fade into the background, try to regain some of their popularity by flashing us their tits and posing nude – all in the name of a little more spotlight coming their way. But Rachel Bilson, who played Summer Roberts in The O.C., doesn’t seem to be going the way of the slutty and topless. And it’s too bad really. This chic is nuthin but tightness and hotness, all wrapped up in one beautiful package.

Bilson does not yet have a sex tape, and the photos you’ll find of her revealing even the slightest hint of nipple or vag are few and far between. In fact, the dirtiest stuff that you can find on Rachel is when she had a sex scene in Last Kiss. And the girl you see lying on the bed awkwardly trying to have sex with Zach Braff’s character isn’t even Rachel. She was so against the idea of doing a scene where she’d have to reveal her jugs that she had the studio call in a body double.

What I wonder though is, if she’s so innocent and wanting to keep her goodies to herself, what’s with all the pics of stickies over her nipples? Not only is she still revealing her tits, nip or not, it just looks bad! Very, very bad. Someone should tell her that ‘breast petals’ as they’re called are to hide the pokies from coming out when it’s cold. But one should never, ever see the actual petals. That’s just not classy.

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Alyssa Milano is known as being one of the hottest women in Hollywood for one reason – she’s one of the hottest women in Hollywood, hands down. This sexy seductress has been making little boys swoon since she appeared on Who’s the Boss? And as those little boys grew into men, Alyssa grew into the saucy firecracker that she is today. And while I can’t deny that Alyssa is hot, she just doesn’t do anything for me when she’s in the nude.

To be fair to her, I think in this pic where she’s with that lucky fella drooling over her tits, it’s just the hair that’s turning me off. But then in this pic where she’s flaunting her pussy and nipples all over the beach, there’s just waaay too much nip there for me. It sort of detracts from the rest of the beautiful boobie. But I’ll give her that pic of her lying in the sand. That’s hot – straight up.

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The MTV reality show The Hills made her famous, but I think it’s really Audrina Patridge’s own hills that really boosted her to fame. With Audrina’s and Heidi Montag’s titties just about everywhere you look, who wouldn’t want to watch this show?! Christ, mute it if you have to but this is the stuff that wet dreams are made of! These sexy nude photos were taken of Audrina when she was the sweet (yet legal) age of 19 and trying to break into the modeling world. It’s the old story of hot young girl meets pervert photographer who likes to take nude pics of young girls. Audrina sincerely regrets the photo shoot, but I wouldn’t take that to mean as though we won’t be seeing any more from her. This is one girl that’s made to be a Playboy bunny at some point in her life. She’s too hot not to give us more!

Audrina has signed on to do the next season of The Hills, but she’s also set to star in her very own MTV show this year called The Audrina Show. And who doesn’t want to watch a show dedicated to this beauty queen? I personally think that she’s way hotter than Heidi Montag, not that Heidi isn’t a sex goddess in her own right. But come on, that pic of her in the cowboy hat? Ya can’t beat it! (Or maybe in this case, beating it is the whole point.)

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Ashlee Simpson has been the subject of much media torment. First there was the whole theory that she was ‘rebelling’ against being in sister Jessica Simpson’s shadow, then there was the time that Ashlee thoroughly embarrassed herself on Saturday Night Live with that whole lip-synching debacle. Maybe that’s the reason why Ashlee has decided not to bare her titties or vag for Playboy. Yes, unfortunately for us, Ashlee will not be stripping off for the famous magazine that offered her 4 million dollars just to do it. Do you think that Ashlee’s snatch is worth 4 mil? I’d have to say no. Maybe 2, but definitely not 4.

In other nude Ashlee news, there’s also a fake sex tape floating around, but it’s definitely fake. And there seems to be more than one out there. In one, the decoy ‘Ashlee’ blows some unknown male and there’s a rumor that she also has a sex tape with her hubby Pete Wentz. But the latter I can’t even find an actual video, just stories. So I’m sure that if these two lovebirds actually ever did the nasty on camera, it’s probably locked up in that grand Beverly Hills mansion of theirs. *Sigh* For now I guess we’ll have to settle on these upskirt and nip slips photos of Ashlee until the day that she poses for Playboy. Because let’s face it, we all know she’s gonna.

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Oh and in her throat, of course. Paris Hilton and her boyfriend at the time, Rick Salomon made a sex tape in night vision, –for some reason, –in a hotel room. Most of the film is in night vision; only the last few minutes actually show Paris Hilton in full color, giving a blow job. Somehow, as crappy as the video is, it’s won two awards. More’s the pity really, since Paris Hilton is HOT as hell. Rick Salomon I could do without seeing, but hey, can’t be choosy until the next asshole she screws tapes her.

Rick Salomon leaked the video right before the premier of The Simple Life in 2004. Because Paris Hilton denied being aware that she was being videotaped, Salomon flipped out and sued her for defamation of character; Hilton counter-sued for him leaking the sex tape. Hilton won, and donated what she called “dirty money” to charities, and claims that profits from the video also go to charity. If so, good for her, though she should hurry up and make another, better porno.

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I know everyone thinks figure skaters are hot; flexible, muscular, and such, but how many times have you seen them naked? Tonya Harding’s sex tape was leaked eventually, but rather than throw a fit, Harding and her husband released the tape so that, if nothing else, they could at least cash in on some royalties. The wedding night style roleplay is cute, and though the video quality is low, you hold out some hope after getting a shot of her pussy through some lacy panties.

But then.. she takes the dress off. Harding’s breasts are all nipple, and her arms and back are muscular, –so that she appears to be a long haired, teenage boy in the blurry, poor quality video. Talk about death to an erection.

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Amy Fisher, known as the Long Island Lolita, was a drop dead gorgeous teenager; literally. She shot her lover’s wife in the head and landed herself in jail for seven years. Anyway, Google the story if you don’t know about it. After release from prison, Amy Fisher became an award winning journalist, but somehow, that wasn’t enough. After a sex tape leaked featuring Amy Fisher and her new husband, Fisher discovered the slut within once more.

Amy Fisher became a stripper and an adult movie star, –rather than deny her sexual lifestyle, she finally found a way to make her title work for her. Temptress, Lolita, Cold Blooded Murderess, –almost, anyway, and now a Stripper and a Porn Star. Amy Fisher is like Convicted Felon Barbie, complete with unrealistic breasts, and a stripper pole.

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Many people have talked about whether or not Eva Longoria has a sex tape. After one was released in 2007 Eva denied that it was her sex tape. Then she released a tape with Eric Olsen where they pretended to have hot sex. After that there was a ton of talk as to whether or not that tape was real. That one was, in the way that it is Eva in the video. But did Eric, who actually played someone called Perry Hilton, and Eva actually have sex on tape? Nope. And not in real life either. Well, I’m guessing at that one seeing as how the tape was made after she married Tony Parker, the superstar basketball player. In the hysterical second video that was released, Eva talks about how maybe they shouldn’t be taping their hot sex because she might want to marry a basketball player one day. And Eric says things like, “That’s tasty,” making a play on Paris’ famous “that’s hot.”

So sorry, guys. There is no actual sex tape starring the very screwable Eva Longoria. But there are some sweet pics that let us imagine ripping off those chains to reveal those awesome tits of hers. And the one in the apron certainly proves that Eva is neither a typical housewife, nor does she have any reason to be desperate.

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Old man on front porch watching the sunrise.. He sees the neighbour’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”

Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”

Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 5 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”

Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”

Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 3 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy says “It’s a pussy willow.” Old man says “Wait up … I’ll get my hat.”

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