Dirty Mag

What do you get when you combine the hottest actress with one of the hottest designers? A very sexy billboard! These shots of Megan Fox were taken for the Emporio Armani Underwear campaign and the Armani Jeans campaign. The pics will start to appear this month in different fashion magazines and of course, on billboards in prominent cities such as Los Angeles, Tokyo, New York, Paris, and London.

Megan Fox has recently stated that she’s self-conscious of her thumbs, because they’re clubbed. But, whether she’s in lacy lingerie or baggy deconstructed jeans, who the hell is looking at her thumbs?

She didn’t give us any pictures or video of her in her birthday suit, but Paris Hilton did the next best thing when she went to Tea Room in Vegas on Thursday night to celebrate her birthday. She gave us a fabulous upskirt shot of the panties that were honored to be up close and personal with her vag on such a celebratory night!

Paris was there with her boyfriend, Doug Reinhardt who not surprisingly, got into a fight when one of Paris’ ex’s showed up and hurt Dougie’s ego. The ex was told to leave since Doug owned the bar and Paris and Doug continued to go back and forth between bickering and making out until they eventually left, happy and horny.

In Cliff, New Mexico, a substitute history teacher accidentally showed students a few seconds of porn on a VHS tape that had been used to record a program from the History channel. Apparently, the substitute borrowed the tape from a friend, who had ruined some perfectly good porn by taping a documentary over the top of it. Hmm. Doesn’t sound like any normal guy I know.

Dick Pool (yeah, that’s seriously his name), the superintendent of the school board in Cliff, held a school board meeting in which many parents showed up to bitch and complain. The substitute teacher was probably fired, but Pool made no comment on what happened to the guy. Maybe the parents lynched him, or burned him at the stake.  These were high school age kids mind you; most of them have already seen porn in their own homes by now. According to the Washington Post:

“Parent Francesca Estevez said Cliff, located in rural southwestern New Mexico, is “very cohesive” and the videotape “was not acceptable by community standards.”"

Seems like the guy is trying to say, ‘Hey, just because we’re out in the stick, doesn’t mean we broadcast porn movies to our kids.’ I feel like I missed something there; who is this guy defending the town from? No one thinks it’s acceptable for kids that age to see porn in an educational setting. Sex education is meant to be boring too, without any stimulation whatsoever. Porn should be enjoyed elsewhere; please enjoy our sexy teacher pics while reading along.

Can you guess from the name what a ‘mechaphile’ is? It’s the most popular type of objectophilia; most women would say every man in the world is affected by it. Objectophilia is a rare fetish that cause its owner to become sexually aroused by inanimate objects, –not always phallic. For those of you who haven’t guessed yet, mechaphilia is a sexual attraction for dun dun dun: cars! That’s right, if you go out of your way to masturbate inside of or against cars, spend time rubbing against your car, browse car lots, rubbing up against parked cars, and get erect, –or wet, when you see a particularly sexy car… then you’re a mechaphile!

I think plenty of people have occasionally felt a little horny at the site of a hot looking car, –I’m guilty of becoming a little more slippery at the site of a particularly choice 80’s muscle car. For those interested in the process; making love to a car is easy, you can start with basic foreplay, such as caressing, licking, kissing, laying on the body work or hood of the car.

For the more hardcore fetishists, there’s always fucking the tail pipe, but experienced mechaphiles advise the novice mechaphiles to be more adventurous, and “use any orifice you can find!” And if you’d like some reciprocation, –find a manual gear shift, but put a condom on it first for obvious reasons. They also encourage mechaphiles to try out car bondage; serve as a submissive to luxury land yachts, or dominate a sexy little redhead sports car.

There’s a lot of fun facts and trivia in the porno industry. It’s not all about a bunch of greasy guys filming two people going at it in an abandoned warehouse. Pornography is an art, and it does require skill. Though celebrities with cell phones might capture the occasional blurry fuck session, and it’ll be popular fast, it’s not proper porn. It’s just a blurry fuck session. Real pornography involves great camera work, and evolved morals that don’t shy away from hanging out with naked people, or the occasional accidental act of stepping in a puddle of semen.

Which is why it’s kind of funny that we’ll be talking about some of the trade secrets of softcore porn, since most people don’t even consider it to be real porn. There is some skill involved however, in making a porno without showing any nudity whatsoever. Some soft porn features female nudity, but never an erect penis, or full view of anything other than the female’s pubic area. Strategic placement of limbs, furniture, potted plants, and pasties or skin colored panties that hide the important bits.

Some softcore porn or even feature films, do in fact show the male penis, but the erect penis is the ultimate no-no. In England before 2002, for example, if your male actor fails the Mull of Kintyre Test, your movie will have to be either re-edited or remain unreleased. The BBFC’s (British Board of Film Classification) “unofficial guideline” was if the penis was in a state of arousal that made it more vertical than a map’s depiction of the Mull of Kintyre, then it couldn’t be shown. The Mull of Kintyre is a peninsula on the coast of Scotland that has the unfortunate distinction of looking exactly like a cock.

Pretty interesting, really, –I wonder if Florida has any porn movie guidelines? Its shape is slightly phallic, and it’s known for being one of the top tourist destinations in the world, filled to the brim with excess and debauchery of all kinds. As a resident, I can tell you, it’s definitely a state of arousal.

Porn and adult movies are probably one of the single most fantastic inventions of all time. But to wax philosophical for a moment, pornography is one of humankind’s most celebrated forms of art. We just can’t seem to stop celebrating the act of reproduction; it’s in our nature to marvel at our own forms. Sex is one of the most amazing events to ever take place, regardless of human achievement over history. And the day the act could finally be preserved in film, the nude human form of a young man or woman preserved tangibly for hundreds of years through sculpture, painting, photography, film, and now finally, digital images, –well, those days aren’t some taboo secret to be kept by the perverse. They are momentous occasions, carrying as much weight as the moon landing, the completion of the Statue of Liberty, the end of World Wars, –and more!

So what better way to celebrate than to lavish millions on the recording of debauchery in all its most glorious forms? Well, to lavish billions, of course. Sadly, that’s yet to happen. These, without further ado, are the most expensive adult films ever made.

3. Uninhibited (1995) $1.2 Million – You won’t find a lot of information on this film out there, even though it was one of the only adult films to ever break the million dollar mark. It was even broken down and edited for television by USA and HBO. Basically, it’s a crime drama; a detective loses his partner, and the replacement is filled by the busty seductress, “Detective Jugginson.” Buck Adams, known by porn lovers for his superb skill in both ahem… acting in porn, and directing, oversaw the direction of the film. Adams passed on in 2008, leaving the Adult Video News bereft. He won three AVN awards for best actor, landed in the AVN Hall of Fame, and the X-Rated Critics Org. (XRCO) Hall of Fame as well.

2. Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge (2008) $8 Million – Pirates of the Caribbean was popular; you know, like Harry Potter is popular? And of course, there was a big budget porno inspiration. The first porno ‘re-imagining’ of Pirates of the Caribbean was simply titled ‘Pirates’, made in 2005 with a budget of only $1 Million, –quite a big leap, but still modest compared to its $8 Million sequel. The plot follows … a bunch of horny pirates and pirate maiden types, fighting, hunting treasure, forming and ending vendettas, and screwing each others’ brains out. It’s highly entertaining, and full of filthy sex.

1. Caligula (1979) $17.5 Million – An adult movie that was made with a real Hollywood cast and crew, featuring Oscar winning actress Helen Mirren. The film featured scenes of hardcore orgies, among its other numerous depictions of eye candy, and the uncensored version was banned. The film’s plot revolves around Roman Emperor Caligula, with a particular taste for deviancy. The uncut version was only recently released. Get it today, and see what the fuss is all about.

There’s been a lot of talk as Britney Spears has been posing for famed photographers Annie Leibovitz, Mark Seliger, and Terry Richardson, all for Candie’s at Kohl’s. Glimpses of pictures have been coming out here and there, but now most if not all of the shoot has been released. And this wasn’t just a case of too much hype for very little in return, as it often goes in Britney’s case. Of course, it’s not surprising. Whenever Britney’s made up and photoshopped, she always look great. It’s those pics that catch her in the street with no makeup and an old hat on when she looks like white trash.

There’s nothing white trash about these pics! They are definitely hot, and show that Britney may still be an ass worth tapping.

No Love Lost is a pretty hot film that stars Raven Alexis and has sex, sex, and lots more sex. The movie is about a guy (James Deen) who lives in what appears to be the Playboy Mansion with hot chicks in bikinis and all the luxuries life can afford. Raven Alexis then comes to get away from her abusive husband and everyone starts fucking. After a night of hardcore porn, the abusive husband comes back the next day to rape his wife. That’s right, he rapes her. So not cool. Because of that, I must give this film a thumbs down, even though there’s enough sex to go round, and most of it is pretty hot.

David Hernandez was the first male on American Idol to show that the men have some good sex scandals on their side of things too. David Hernandez’s scandal came out when he appeared on the show in Season 7, the same season that Kristy Lee Cook’s sex scandal hoax was going on. David’s scandal involved his past place of employment, and the fact that it was a gay bar. Not only did he work there, but he also waited tables in the full nude and performed naked lap dances for the male customers.

While you may think that this, being a sex scandal of such a unique sort, would have made major headlines and that we’d still be talking about it, it died out pretty quickly. I guess people are just more interested in female strippers than they are male ones.

In Season 7 of American Idol we saw Kristy Lee Cook, who was heavily favored among fans and the judges but sadly, got voted out when it was getting close and ended up coming in seventh place. While she was on the show, a scandal broke out involving Kristy, alleging that she had been caught on tape naked and performing various stripper acts. Talk went on for weeks whether or not the tape and the pictures were real or not and it turned out, the whole thing was a hoax. Apparently, “they” (whoever that is) was trying to make some kind of political statement. Whatever that is. But the pictures are hot and show some great ass, even if it’s not Kristy’s.