Dirty Mag

Well, actually Adrianne Curry wants attention, –her nipple is just a prop. But personally, I’m not offended by the small nip-slip. Her nipple is just incredibly cute and tiny. Too bad she’s been uploading her sexy attention-whoring photos over Twitter, where nudity = account termination. Oh well, what can you expect from the creative mind behind ‘My Fair Brady’? Generally, the women of America’s Next Top model aren’t exactly brain surgeons either. It’s still great to finally see some actual nudity from Curry, who’s been showing off her skin for some time now, without ever actually showing any skin.

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I visit the Rule 34 website enough to know that there’s porn for everything, but I’ve got to admit, a live-action porno featuring Marge and Homer is a new one for me. I can’t see big blue hair and yellow skin getting too many people off, but hell, everyone has their kinks.

From the press release:

The hottest celebrity couple of all time has finally done it…and recorded themselves doing it! Marge & Homer Simpson and some of their most well-known neighbors have cum to life in the Celebrity Sex Tape that has to be seen to be believed: SIMPSONS: THE XXX PARODY!

Full Spread Entertainment & LFP Video are proud to present the Celebrity Sex Tape that will leave you saying, “D’oh, I just ejaculated in my pants.”

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I love Helen’s acting, I do, –I think my favorite movies have Helen Hunt in them… you know, Twister, where she has to pretend to like that guy… you know, the obnoxious vampire from Near Dark? Bill Paxton, that’s right! Sorry, I just could never, ever, get my girl dick hard for Bill Paxton. Barf. But kudos to anyone who can fool an audience into believing they can. ‘Then She Found Me’ is my favorite Helen Hunt picture. And all this gushing is leading up to me making filthy comments about how hot her tits look, even though she’s practically on Ensure and a total geriatric. And the pictures are super huge, so don’t worry, there’s plenty of visible boob. Honestly, I have to say, I’m glad she was wearing panties. I can handle her tits, but her old beaver just might be too much.

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It rhymes! So really, when it comes to who Charlie Sheen is fucking, should anyone really be surprised? The classy girl on the toilet in these pictures is definitely not too much of a shocker; after all, I’m surprised Charlie Sheen doesn’t have at least three different new strains of the AIDS virus by now. Bree Olson, a porn store with not a whole hell of a lot of reputation, is Charlie’s latest conquest. The inebriated chauvinist over at DrunkenStepfather has a video of Bree Olson before she was even remotely interesting, but the fact that she’s shitting throws me off of her tits. Too bad. Her fake rack is decent enough. But, I do have to agree with Stepdad here; Sheen’s supply of savoir-faire is limitless, and never ceases to amuse and impress.

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Everyone here loves celebrity tits, but honestly, you can only see those tits so many times before start itching, so to speak (unless you know Jessica Alba personally anyway), for some strange. And this is definitely strange. There’s this woman, Sally Gordon, reasonably hot, random model one would guess, posing topless in Pulp magazine. And one might also guess, that as hot as she is, and as topless as she is, surely we would have heard of her. But no, Sally Gordon is un-Google-able. But honestly, in the realm of topless models, one good turn deserves another. So although we may not know who Sally Gordon is now, she’ll be very popular soon enough. Nothing does your reputation as much good as popping your top. Although, I have to say, the huge girdle doesn’t do much for me.

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It’s that glorious time again! Time to take a peek at some of the sexual fetishes out there, and today’s fetish is scoptophilia!

Scoptophilia, which literally translated from Greek means “love of looking”, is a fetish where one derives pleasure from looking. In terms of sexuality, it refers to sexual pleasure derived from looking at erotic objects, like naughty photographs, pornography, naked bodies, and so on.

If that’s all it really takes to be a clinical scoptophiliac, then I’m pretty sure that 99.9% of us are scoptophiliacs, because we sure love hot porn, those sexy pictures of nude women and all of that goodness.

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Sure there are the usual dangers of Internet dating, but this is one of those things that goes beyond identity theft, stalkers, creepy rapist guys, and one-night stands that leave you with a gift that keeps on giving. The next time you sit, chatting online, getting cozy with anonymous strangers, you may want to wonder who these people are. This story is one of my favorites, probably just speaks to the dirty fetishist in me, but that’s okay.

The story starts like the best stories do; with a single woman, down on her luck romantically, but attractive enough. So she starts chatting with local guys, way back when not having a photo of yourself online was weird. The Internet was a new, nifty thing; you could get down and dirty in text with some completely random individual. So back to our single lady, Naughty Nicole, we’ll call her. She finally meets this guy who describes himself as everything she finds hot in a guy, Dirty Dave. These two hit it off right away, and start on a cyber romance that’s more lust than anything else.

The steamy cyber meetings go on for hours, day in and day out, until eventually, she can’t wait to get back to her computer and get re-acquainted with Dirty Dave. One night, during a little cyber pillow talk, they decide to meet up and see if their parts fit together in person as they do in a virtual plane. So Naughty Nicole and Dirty Dave set up a time and place; she gets a hotel room, leaves a key for him at the front desk, –hopefully omitting the “Dirty” part of his identity to the receptionist in care of his key, –and heads upstairs to prepare the room.

She scatters some rose petals around the bed, lights some incense, and has a treasure trove of toys, oils, condoms, and more, not to mention, the smashing lingerie she’s gotten, just for this event. But once she’s thought it over, Naughty Nicole can’t help but get a tiny bit shy, so she turns off the lights. Naughty Nicole sprawls out on the bed, nearly naked, legs spread, head back, in an absolutely wicked ‘come hither’ position… when the door opens, and Dirty Dave calls out “You in there, Naughty Nicole?” She answers, “Yes, Dirty Dave!” and within minutes, they’re tangled hopelessly, driving the neighbors crazy with all the groaning and moaning.

Naughty Nicole and Dirty Dave are pretty impressed with each other once they’re satisfied, and laying, facing each other in the dark. Dirty Dave fumbles on the night stand for a moment, and produces two cigarettes. Gentleman that he is, Dave goes to light the cigarette poking out of Naughty Nicole’s extremely naughty mouth, and the flame leaps up, illuminating the two faces peering at each other in the dark, –now in complete shock.

“Dad!”

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You may not know her name, but I bet you know her face… and now her tits. Olivia Wilde has had some big roles in Year One, House and most recently, Tron. Considering how fucking sexy she is I am sure we will be seeing much more of her in the future. Until then you can enjoy these hot photos of her from a recent shoot she did. Major props go to the fashion team behind her bathing suits! They are so wonderfully see through, it’s almost like they are not there at all… although, sadly, they are. Here’s hoping we see more of her naughty bits soon!

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Sorry guys, as much as I hate to report this news it has to be done. The sexy Natalie Portman recently confirmed that she is not only pregnant, but engaged as well. Sad sad news for all the horny, but hopeful, Portman fans out there.

According to sources, Portman and ballet dancer boyfriend Benjamin Millepied are expecting a child together in 2011, but little other information is available.

The two met on the set of Swan, where Millepied served as choreographer. He also plays her dance partner in the movie. So you now know who you have to beat out to win Natalie’s heart… or panties.

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I love the variety of looking through a few links now and then, and boy, I’ve got some great ones. Let’s start with…

Whitney Cummings, who flashes her panties at the crowd in the shot I’ve got above for you. Now, I included this one specifically because, you have to take a closer look at the picture. It looks like someone needs a serious trim around the bikini line.

And then there’s Paz de la Huerta’s ass, –and if you’ve seen Boardwalk Empire, you really don’t necessarily need to be shown de la Huerta’s ass. You’ve seen it. Not just her ass, people, but her tits, her pussy, and the whole shabang. The image of her ass in men’s briefs is pure gratuitous silliness, which is why it’s not in my line-up.

Now for something even better; I’ve included a full size of Elisabetta Canalis camel toe for you, and she’s in a bathing suit, not pants! You know what that means, right? The slightest, tiniest hint of visible pussy lip. Thank you, unnamed, ridiculously overpaid bathing suit designer. Maybe the insane amount of money you make, while the rest of us survive on ramen, really is justified!

Poor Olivia Palermo, her bikini pics are pitiful. I’ve seen bigger tits on slightly overweight men; she looks like a confused 12 year old boy wearing his sister’s bikini. The fact that her bikini top is falling off is barely noteworthy, since there’s really nothing to hold it up. But, there’s a link here, for the guys who like stick-girls, or for those of you who were looking for something to stir your drinks.

Brett Favre is a dirty freak, which shouldn’t surprise me, but it does. As a former Green Bay resident, I feel like a little piece of me has died now, knowing that he harasses his massage therapists. But on the other hand, I hate football, and I think most obsessed Packers fans need psychiatric guidance, so it’s hilarious!

I saved the best for last… Holly Peers looking healthy and ready to feed sextuplets for a few hours without so much as a ripple in her cup size.

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