Dirty Mag

There’s a lot of fun facts and trivia in the porno industry. It’s not all about a bunch of greasy guys filming two people going at it in an abandoned warehouse. Pornography is an art, and it does require skill. Though celebrities with cell phones might capture the occasional blurry fuck session, and it’ll be popular fast, it’s not proper porn. It’s just a blurry fuck session. Real pornography involves great camera work, and evolved morals that don’t shy away from hanging out with naked people, or the occasional accidental act of stepping in a puddle of semen.

Which is why it’s kind of funny that we’ll be talking about some of the trade secrets of softcore porn, since most people don’t even consider it to be real porn. There is some skill involved however, in making a porno without showing any nudity whatsoever. Some soft porn features female nudity, but never an erect penis, or full view of anything other than the female’s pubic area. Strategic placement of limbs, furniture, potted plants, and pasties or skin colored panties that hide the important bits.

Some softcore porn or even feature films, do in fact show the male penis, but the erect penis is the ultimate no-no. In England before 2002, for example, if your male actor fails the Mull of Kintyre Test, your movie will have to be either re-edited or remain unreleased. The BBFC’s (British Board of Film Classification) “unofficial guideline” was if the penis was in a state of arousal that made it more vertical than a map’s depiction of the Mull of Kintyre, then it couldn’t be shown. The Mull of Kintyre is a peninsula on the coast of Scotland that has the unfortunate distinction of looking exactly like a cock.

Pretty interesting, really, –I wonder if Florida has any porn movie guidelines? Its shape is slightly phallic, and it’s known for being one of the top tourist destinations in the world, filled to the brim with excess and debauchery of all kinds. As a resident, I can tell you, it’s definitely a state of arousal.

Porn and adult movies are probably one of the single most fantastic inventions of all time. But to wax philosophical for a moment, pornography is one of humankind’s most celebrated forms of art. We just can’t seem to stop celebrating the act of reproduction; it’s in our nature to marvel at our own forms. Sex is one of the most amazing events to ever take place, regardless of human achievement over history. And the day the act could finally be preserved in film, the nude human form of a young man or woman preserved tangibly for hundreds of years through sculpture, painting, photography, film, and now finally, digital images, –well, those days aren’t some taboo secret to be kept by the perverse. They are momentous occasions, carrying as much weight as the moon landing, the completion of the Statue of Liberty, the end of World Wars, –and more!

So what better way to celebrate than to lavish millions on the recording of debauchery in all its most glorious forms? Well, to lavish billions, of course. Sadly, that’s yet to happen. These, without further ado, are the most expensive adult films ever made.

3. Uninhibited (1995) $1.2 Million – You won’t find a lot of information on this film out there, even though it was one of the only adult films to ever break the million dollar mark. It was even broken down and edited for television by USA and HBO. Basically, it’s a crime drama; a detective loses his partner, and the replacement is filled by the busty seductress, “Detective Jugginson.” Buck Adams, known by porn lovers for his superb skill in both ahem… acting in porn, and directing, oversaw the direction of the film. Adams passed on in 2008, leaving the Adult Video News bereft. He won three AVN awards for best actor, landed in the AVN Hall of Fame, and the X-Rated Critics Org. (XRCO) Hall of Fame as well.

2. Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge (2008) $8 Million – Pirates of the Caribbean was popular; you know, like Harry Potter is popular? And of course, there was a big budget porno inspiration. The first porno ‘re-imagining’ of Pirates of the Caribbean was simply titled ‘Pirates’, made in 2005 with a budget of only $1 Million, –quite a big leap, but still modest compared to its $8 Million sequel. The plot follows … a bunch of horny pirates and pirate maiden types, fighting, hunting treasure, forming and ending vendettas, and screwing each others’ brains out. It’s highly entertaining, and full of filthy sex.

1. Caligula (1979) $17.5 Million – An adult movie that was made with a real Hollywood cast and crew, featuring Oscar winning actress Helen Mirren. The film featured scenes of hardcore orgies, among its other numerous depictions of eye candy, and the uncensored version was banned. The film’s plot revolves around Roman Emperor Caligula, with a particular taste for deviancy. The uncut version was only recently released. Get it today, and see what the fuss is all about.

Does your party girl not like to swallow, or does she simply not want her blow job time cutting into her drinking time? Well we’ve got just what you need – whiskey-flavored condoms!  …no, I’m not kidding.

The folks over at McCondom have created the perfect condom for the hooch-lovin’ gal, which you can buy here. Flavored condoms definitely aren’t something new but they are usually watermelon, strawberry, vanilla …etc. flavored, not whiskey. So thumbs up McCondom for thinking outside the box.

Personally I think that they sound disgusting. There’s just no way to completely cover up that latex taste, and whiskey mixed with rubber doesn’t sound all that appealing. But hell, some girls and guys may be into that. What do you think?

What is the world coming to when the guy owning the biggest dick is broke, unemployed, and lives with his mom? If he can’t find work, then what are the rest of us going to do?! Jonah Falcon, 39, owns a 13.5 inch penis, –the longest cock ever to be recorded on film! So, like the rest of us, you might be wondering why he isn’t performing in porno movies. Well, he says that he’d rather be a real actor, and any nude scenes would have to include a genuine role in a film for him.

The jobless, though hung New Yorker, has been in several uncredited acting parts in television and cable shows, but he has yet to make his mark in anything other than an HBO documentary from 1999. Apparently, royalties aren’t doing much for the guy. Too proud for porn? He seriously needs to watch Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Sometimes, you have to do what you have to do, –and “what” can be a hot chick. Maybe he could make a guest appearance as “King of Cock” or something?