Dirty Mag

Joan Crawford was a mega-star back in the 1930s, the type of woman that’d be blogged about daily if the Internet existed back then. She was also the subject of the book and film Mommie Dearest, which showed a darker, abusive side to the famous flapper. Christina Crawford, Joan’s daughter and the author of Mommie Dearest, recently discovered old home movies of Joan Crawford. Nude movies. She was as shocked to find nude movies of the Hollywood star as anyone else would be, since she figured Joan would have had them destroyed. Soon enough, Joan Crawford will be subject to the same sort of Internet fame as celebrities and “celebrities” who’ve had sex tapes leaked; Christina, who still doesn’t forgive her mother, plans to air the nude home movies as part of her latest Broadway show. One can only hope this will become a trend and we’ll soon be swimming in vintage nude films of Audrey Hepburn or Ingrid Bergman.

Gorgeous horror babes, and scream queens:

Akasha, as portrayed by Aaliyah (RIP) – Aaliyah, gorgeous, with a perfect body, and not to mention, the tragic character now that she’s dead, made the perfect vampire queen. In Queen of the Damned, she was sexy, romantic, deadly, vicious, –a perfect vampire. Her exotic looks totally transcended the genre; she was the black widow of contemporary scream queens.

Paris Hilton – Sure, I know what you’re thinking, –ditzy blonde airhead, –but those are practically prerequisites on the application for scream queen. Her death in House of Wax was priceless, –for one thing, because it was damn creative, and because she managed to survive for a pretty long while. Then, her antics in Repo: The Genetic Opera, –her face-off scene, amazing, plus, she was hot… and she sang!

Jenna Jameson – Just for her role in Zombie Strippers. I know, I could have picked a billion different babes, with way more acting credit, but –she fucking Jenna Jameson. She’s a Jenna Jameson zombie stripper! She’s hot and dead! If you’re a gore-met and a perverted fan of her porn, this is like the Holy Grail of Horror.

The first two are things that totally got my juices flowing back when I was at my most hormonal. Believe it or not guys, girls watch porn too. And when I was a kid, I’d sit down in the basement, desperately trying to focus on what what happening on the jumping frames on channel 98. To this day, I have no idea what the name of this channel was, –but it most certainly was not Skinemax, because you could see all the good bits. Whereas, on Skinemax, you find yourself moving your head around, actually trying to look behind the strategically placed potted plant. Channel 98 was responsible for my first self-achieved orgasm; thank you, jumping and scrambled porn channel.

And weird porno… well, I don’t actually mean weird porno movies, so much as, the days when you had to put porn in a VCR, and the tapes were usually sticky and hidden under your parents bed. I miss porn that had a story to it; Jenna Jameson has been in a few weird ones. I remember at one point seeing a porn in which there were centaurs and nymphs running around. You don’t see stuff like that anymore, in live-action porn anyway.

Daisy Duke, the Catherine Bach version, my first girl crush, mostly because my parents insisted on watching old TV, –later on, I’d fall for Xena and Gabrielle, and fantasize about Amazonian threesomes. But my first lezzy crush definitely involved Daisy Duke, and at 14, I even owned a few pairs. I still do! Cut-off denim shorts that climb pretty high, –not quite ‘hot-pants’, but close, –came from Daisy herself, and for a year or so, I thought about getting in those shorts just as much as the next bisexual teenage girl.

If you think back to the Victorian era, and immediately think of a time when sophistication and elegance was the norm, and people acted quite proper and respectful at all times, you’d be right! And sadly, when the Victorian people went back to their homes, and their wives or husbands at the end of the day, that sophistication and respect continued, even in the bedroom. This made for undoubtedly, very boring and very unfulfilled sex lives. During the Victorian era, sex was thought by most, and definitely by the church, to be something that was only for the purpose of procreation, and things such as masturbation and homosexuality were seen as either sinful or a sign of illness.

Women in the Victorian era especially were thought to only have sex for the purpose of having children. In fact, women were not to have sex until marriage, and when that time came, a potential husband would determine if he wanted to marry her or not by her level of chastity. Even once married though, sex was not supposed to be an enjoyable act and something that was only reserved with the purpose of procreation. Should a married woman want sex for pleasure, it would lower her virtue.

Masturbation was also something that was seen as disgraceful during the Victorian era. Society believed that masturbation was the cause of heart disease, cancer, and hysteria. It was not only thought that masturbating could cause disease, but that it could help a disease that was already present progress and become worse. Even more, the people of the Victorian age also thought that any children born by a person that had masturbated would also suffer from insanity. Masturbation was thought to be so bad that metal devices were worn to cover a person’s genitals to prevent people from masturbating. And, one scientist even went so far as to invent a device that would be worn by sleeping boys and send electric shocks to his penis should it become erect during sleep.

Homosexuality was also thought to be a sin, although it wasn’t thought that it was the result of any disease or sickness. It was also thought that it was only men who succumbed to sexual acts with people of the same sex because, as Queen Victoria put it, “Ladies would never engage in such despicable acts!” After 1860, it was thought that not only was homosexuality a sin, but whoever took part in homosexual acts was also a pervert and a social deviant.

Prostitution really shows just how sexist the views of the Victorian era were. Most young women didn’t choose prostitution as a way of life, but instead were forced into it in order to make money for their families. Still, the people of the Victorian era considered prostitution to be one of the most despicable acts a woman could engage in, even though many times she had no choice in the matter. This time was when the word “whore” became a common way to describe a prostitute although “Magdalene” was also often used. However, even though entering into prostitution would cast a girl out of the good graces of society, it was not considered sinful or deviant for a man to engage in sexual acts with a woman. This is because it was not considered wrong for a man to engage in sexual acts before marriage, or with the intent of anything else besides procreation.

There’s no doubt that times have definitely changed during the Victorian era. Thank god that we did away with those horrible electrical devices for penises and that today, with the exception of prostitution,  we are free to enjoy good sex, in whatever form we choose, and whenever we choose!

The tagline, “Was that supposed to give me a boner?” is spot on. The Retro Porn blog seeks out and posts some of the funniest and most awkward scenes from a variety of different, old school porno movies, and of course, adds their own one-liner humor explanations. We approve! Inside the gallery above, we’ve got a few of our favorite pics. See if you can figure out what’s going on, –because some of them even have me stumped.

Think that the Ancient Egyptians spent all their time in the temples and worshipping their gods? No doubt, that’s what the Ancient Egyptians want you to think. But they were also people who were highly sexual and whether for child-bearing purposes or not, liked to get it on!

Something that we can all learn from the Egyptians is that they didn’t consider sex a sin, or something to be ashamed of. Because things like masturbation and incest were commonplace, they were not things to be frowned upon or judged within Ancient Egyptian society. The incest is what most people first tend to focus on when it comes to the Ancient Egyptians. And although they did practice incest in some cases, this was usually reserved for holding royalty lineage and was not done for pleasure purposes.

Masturbation on the other hand, was an entirely different matter! Ra was the most famous god of the Ancient Egyptians and it’s thought that he, while in the form of Atum, actually jacked off until his children, Shu and Tefnut, came to be! This is evident by the Pyramid Text from 1248 – 1249. Ra wasn’t so favorable on other matters however.

When Ra’s child Shu had children of his own, Nut and Geb, these children were known for constantly having sex. Ra disapproved of this and commanded Shu to separate the children. However, by that time it was too late and Nut had already become pregnant. Ra became enraged at this and placed a curse on Nut that she would not be able to bear her child during any month of the 360-day year. However, Thoth won a game against Khonsu, the god of the moon and with his winnings, he created five more days so that Nut could bear her child during one of these days. That’s also how our year came to include 365 days.

The Ancient Egyptians were highly sexual people. They loved to have sex and prostitution was not only common, it was sometimes even overseen on Temple grounds. There have also been several sketches and drawings found on Ancient Egyptian caves that show various Egyptians in many different sexual positions. Some think that these were drawn to depict some of the Egyptian brothels that were around at that time but more likely, they were just the remnants of very active Egyptian imaginations! And, the Ancient Egyptians even believed in sex after death. The mummies of male Egyptians have been found with fake, erect penises attached to their mummified bodies, while the women are often decorated with hard nipples. This was so that, in the afterlife, men and women could continue to have sex with each other if they so chose.

When you first think about Ancient Egypt, sexual thoughts might not be the first thing that cross your mind. But the truth is that the Egyptians were highly sexual people and saw sex for what it really is – something to be celebrated and enjoyed, not to be hidden and ashamed of!

Millions of people are obsessed with Ancient Rome and all the stories about Caesar, Octavian, and all of their various battles to defend Rome. That’s why HBO created the series Rome, that includes all of Julius Caesar’s victories and defeat along with breathtaking scenes of Italy’s countryside and a slew of Ancient Roman culture. But the best part is that it also includes a whole bunch of nudity!

Kerry Condon, Zuilekha Robinson, and Lyndsey Marshall are just a few of the people who repeatedly appear completely nude in the show. And don’t think that the most interesting places will be hidden by golden bangles or gigantic shields. Nope, HBO isn’t one to shy away from showing us all the muffs and melons and Rome doesn’t disappoint in that regard either.

Unfortunately, someone at HBO figured out that it was costing them $33 per viewer just to air the show and so just after two seasons, the show was cancelled. Luckily, it’s now out on Blu-Ray and available from Amazon. So not only can you see all the beautiful action, but you can also watch it again and again!

Ah, the Oedipal classic that started a series that would last for 27 more films, all the way up until the last; Taboo 23, 2007. Taboo holds a special place in my heart of naughty hearts, because it was the first porn movie I ever saw. Oh, the heady days of youth; long before catching glimpses of the raunchy movies on channel 98 between wavy lines of  cable interference, there were the movies under your friend’s parents’ bed.

Although there had been numerous films by 1980 that explored incest fantasy, and of course, publications and other erotic media, full length adult films on the topic were few and far between. Several comments on the film declare Taboo to be the porno that set standards for the rest of adult movies. It was and still is, one of the top earning adult films of all time.

Taboo explored the topic of mother/son incest better than any cheesy Japanese cartoon you’ll ever see. The story (yes, a story, that’s how old this porno is, there is actually a storyline!) follows adult actress Kay Parker, playing the newly single Barbara Scott, whose husband just left her for his secretary because of her prudish bedroom ways. Their son decides to stay with his “not over the hill” mother. The two inevitably begin to screw, but towards the end of the film, things get complicated when Barb gets a new boyfriend. Dun dun dun! The film is still available, in all its glorious sleaze, and even the infamous Ron Jeremy is supposed to have a cameo. Though sources differ, so if you can find him in there, do tell.

Ah, the life and times of any silent film actress in the 1920s was sure to include various acts of downright scandalous behavior. Actresses were still smeared with the stigma from the stage girls of the previous century; most theaters and stages were whorehouses, filled with actresses, singers, and dancers, –all talented in the ways of debauchery as well as the stage. For the next century and a half, women who work in theater and film still carry questionable virture, –as they do even today.

Louise, or Lulu Brooks, was certainly not too proud to appear nude; Lulu was also a model, a showgirl, and a  dancer as well as a silent flapper film star. She loved sex, and was openly speculative about her Sapphic proclivities; she even confessed to have numerous affairs with women. One such passionate encounter was a one-night stand with notorious beauty, Greta Garbo.