Dirty Mag

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. “Well,” he said, “I’ve been seeing this girl for a while and she’s really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight’s “the” night. We’re having dinner with her parents, and then we’re going out. And I’ve got a feeling I’m gonna get lucky after that. Once she’s had me, she’ll want me all the time, so you’d better give me the 12 pack.” The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, “You never told me that you were such a religious person.”

He leans over to her and says, “You never told me that your father is a pharmacist.”

Sure guys, you like to think that those girly magazines can’t hurt you, but you’re wrong! Women’s magazine like Cosmo, Elle, etc., take away time she could be spending in the kitchen. Not to mention adding to time spent on the couch, with a laughably contemplative look on her face, a ballpoint pen, and endless multiple choice questions. But all these things are basically harmless, unless you’re easily pushed into a psychotic rage. No, Cosmo brings out the really dangerous stuff a few pages away from the monthly quiz. In the sex tips section.

Ladies, don’t do this stuff. Men, if she looks like she wants to try any of it, run away. Cracked.com has the full scoop on Cosmo’s plans to eventually create an army of eunuchs to rule the world.

1. “Very softly bite the skin of the scrotum.”

No. Don’t do this, ever. In fact, when one’s sack is bitten, the fact that you’re a girl may suddenly become second to the fact that you’ve just bitten his balls. I doubt Cosmo is going to pay for your dental/hospital bills.

2. Curtis, 33 says “The most amazing oral sex I’ve ever had was from a woman who jiggled my balls back and forth with her hand, like she was shaking dice in a cup. I thought I was going to explode!”

“Curtis” sounds more like a vindictive woman, first of all. Most men generally don’t care to have their balls smashed into each other rapidly. in fact, a game like Yahtzee! was never meant to be played with any genitalia at all.

3. Cesar, 28, says “A little known erogenous zone: the area between a guy’s navel and his penis. Lick it, tickle it, or gently tug the hairs there.”

Few men will enjoy a woman yanking on their pubes. To the ones that do, someone in Cosmo is definitely looking out for you. For the other 98% of guys who prefer not to have their cock hairs yanked, find and silence this “Cesar” fellow.

4. Cindy, 32, says “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel good effects.”

The only thing I can think of, is the possibility that the guy’s head might actually explode. Orgasm + a sneeze? Sounds like the answer to that equation is probably ‘seizure + death.’ Not to mention the likelihood of accidentally pouring pepper in his eye.

5. Steven, 23, says “It really sucks when a woman handles your manhood with care. Ladies, our units aren’t that sensitive. We need you to get a little rough with them –squeeze hard, suck hard, really grab on to it like you’re milking a cow. You may think you’re hurting him, but I guarantee if you asked, he’d request more, more.”

One of the more obvious sex tips from someone with a terrible sense of humor, the guy is basically saying, “Yank and squeeze on his cock, and when he starts screaming, you’ll know he likes it. Just don’t ask his permission.”

6. “Move my penis all around like an old-school Atari joystick –up, down, side to side, in a circle.”

Sure. Why not. She’s already attempted to bite off your nutsack, jiggled your balls like dice, yanked out half your pubic hair, poured pepper in your eye, and seriously mistreated your cock. At this point, some Atari joystick action will give you a chance to catch your breath, while she’s building up to finally putting you in the hospital. Or leave, quickly.

7. Jamie, 30, says “Make two fists around my shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can.”

Giving an Indian Burn to someone’s cock is a no-no. On your arm is one thing, on your dick, the amplified sensation would be similar to putting your junk in a meat grinder. Ladies, don’t do this, ever.

Old man on front porch watching the sunrise.. He sees the neighbour’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. He yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of chicken wire.”

Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says “Gonna catch some chickens.”

Old man yells “You damn fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man’s surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 5 chickens caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

Old man yells out “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy yells back “Roll of duck tape.”

Old man says “What you gonna do with that?”

Boy says back “Gonna catch me some ducks.”

Old man yells back, “You damn fool, you can’t catch ducks with duck tape!”

Boy just laughs and keeps walking. That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old man’s amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 3 ducks caught in it.

Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

Old man says “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”

Boy says “It’s a pussy willow.” Old man says “Wait up … I’ll get my hat.”

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. “Damn, that was stupid,” she thought as she fell. “What a way to die.”
As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, “Do you suck?”
“No!” she shrieked, aghast.
So, he dropped her.
As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. “Do you screw?” he asked.
“Of course not!” she exclaimed before she could stop herself.
He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. “I suck! I screw!” she screamed in panic.
“Slut!” he said, and dropped her.

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a porno film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a porno theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.

After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, “I’m only here to listen to the music.”

“Yeah?” replied the man. “We’re only here to see our dog.”

One morning in Ireland, a woman in was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

“You’re a leprechaun,” she says, “I caught you and you owe me three wishes!”

So the leprechaun replies, “OK, you caught me fair and square, what’s your first wish?”

The woman stops and thinks for a second, “I want a huge mansion to live in.”

The leprechaun replies, “OK, you’ve got it.”

The woman again thinks it over. “My second wish is a Mercedes,” she says.

“OK, you’ve got that too,” the leprechaun confirms.

“My last wish is a million dollars!” she claims, bouncing up and down.

The leprechaun then says, “OK, you’ve got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me.”

“OK then, if that’s what it takes…” she says.

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

“Tell me,” says the man, “how old are you?”

“I’m 27″, she replies.

“Fuck me,” says the man, “27 and you still believe in leprechauns?”

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?”

The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.”

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?”

He replied, “It looks as if I did a pretty good job.”