Dirty Mag

Chloe Sevigny is getting naked, yet again, on screen. You might recognize Sevigny as one of Bill Paxton’s ugly Mormon wives from Big Love, a show that makes polygamy look okay for anything other than threeways, life insurance, and people who have the moral compass of a zombie. But! Let me not dwell on the ability of religion to justify just about anything, –and stick instead to the topless Chloe Sevigny. Her tits spend quite a bit of time jumping up and down in the upcoming film “Mr. Nice”, which is about… eh, I don’t really care, as long as there are tits. And Sevigny’s rack is great, so rig your remotes to loop people, because there’s a whole lotta fuckin’ goin’ on in this one. You can watch the video here.

Ah, it must be nice to be rich. Because if me, you, or anyone else that only makes four or five figures a year, began scratching our crotches on stage, or in public even, we’d be hurriedly ushered away from the rest of society for one evening at least. But when Selena Gomez shoves a hand in her crotch, pulling a Lady Gaga/Amy Winehouse, it’s too cute. Either she was scratching at the herp she got from Justin Bieber, or the sound of her own voice drives her to compulsive masturbation, like the nymphomaniacal Lady Gaga, who claims to have sex to her own tunes. By the way, check out the cleavage!

This one of the more morbid dirty urban legends; it’s a classic sexual tragedy that’s been told as three individual stories, two stories, or one, as I’m about to tell it. The moral of this tale is: Leave your god damned pets alone, for fuck’s sake!

This tragic romance story involves one jar of peanut butter, one female deviant, one male deviant, and a dog. One afternoon out in suburbia, where all the biggest freaks live as we all know, live this married couple; we’ll call them Mr. and Mrs. Smith. They’re low on ideas to spice up their sex life, so inevitably, someone starts looking for food items, but they only condiment that they could agree on was peanut butter. Mr. Smith smears peanut butter all over Mrs. Smith’s pussy, and begins enjoying a nice afternoon snack. But when he’s finished, Mrs. Smith refuses to do the same, –so instead, she decides to involve their dog, a 150 lb. Rottweiler, and for humor’s sake, we’ll call him Jaws.

Mrs. Smith spreads peanut butter all over over Mr. Smith’s unit, and then brings the dog in, who begins licking the peanut butter off, or at least, he did for about five seconds before he decided to just get a mouthful. Jaws promptly locks his jaws, and thinking he’s playing a game, begins to shake the ‘toy’. The dog rips off Mr. Smith’s cock, who howls, and begins eating it whole, while Mrs. Smith watches in shocked horror. Before the ambulance arrives, Mr. Smith has bled to death, and the dog has fatally choked on its master’s penis.

Mrs. Smith, the one survivor, manages to last a month afterward, although ever since the death of her dog and husband, she’s plagued by constant vaginal pain, which she believes is just guilt. Sadly, one night, she dies in her sleep. At the autopsy, the true cause of death is revealed; apparently her husband didn’t get all the peanut butter. Maggots had slowly multiplied in her vaginal canal, and eventually, they ate through her internal organs. Of course, these were super-maggots, with no need for oxygen, because they have gills.

At least, the picture of her topless is fake, or whatever, I don’t know. There’s been such a big uproar over the fake nude, showing Selena Gomez with her tits exposed, or someone’s tits exposed. One blogger from MTV brought up a very interesting question, which I thought was fairly novel, which was, why with so many fake nudes and Photoshopped topless tit pics as there are of Gomez floating around the Internet, –would they be so upset about this one? Excellent question. Is the answer because it’s not a fake? Or because nudes of Gomez do exist, and they don’t want a search for the photos to ensue? While the tits in the picture are pretty fantastic, I doubt they belong to Gomez. Something about her just says “huge areola” to me.

Not really on purpose, but my title got you at half mast, huh? As she’s getting out of a car, where all good upskirt shots get taken, Gwyneth Paltrow’s legs part to reveal, alas, panties, and the barest hint of a shaved pussy lip, and a teeny camel-toe. You also get a fair glimpse of the deliriously sexy spot where her inner thigh meets her ass cheek, and slightly folds over. In any case, I think she was flashing panties on purpose, because deep down, even cute little Gwyn Paltrow loves to act like a big tease. Oh well, one day when she isn’t looking, or paying attention, the ‘razzi’s going to catch her with her figurative and literal, pants down.

Oh come on, you know who Michelle Williams is; her name doesn’t exactly inspire automatic recognition, trust me, I know. I sat here for like ten minutes saying “Who the fuck is Michelle Williams?” to myself, before I remembered, “Oh, the slutty girl from Dawson’s Creek!” For all you fellow perverts who always associate Michelle Williams with the term ‘cocktease‘, I’ve got some good news for you! She’s gets naked in Blue Valentine, so if you haven’t seen the movie yet, –and trust me, I wouldn’t blame you, it sounds fucking boring, –you should check it out if for nothing else than to finally see Williams’ tits. Or you could just check out the pics above, and save yourself a lot of inconvenient dicking around with your DVD player’s remote. Fair warning; her shower scene makes her look kinda fat.

The internet is all aflutter over Octomom, Nadya Suleman, having made some kind of weird fetish/bondage/infantilism sex tape. Wow. Now, part of me is thinking, “Ew, gross!” but the other half of me expresses some morbid curiosity here. I mean, I have to wonder, what exactly does a pussy look like after it’s had eight babies at one time? How many chances are we going to get to see something like that?! Well, apparently, Vivid Entertainment has been issuing several offers to Suleman to go work for them, but she keeps rejecting them. But according to TMZ, she recently made a video which shows her in fetish gear, whipping a guy wearing a diaper. And, Suleman and her diaper-guy have signed releases which allow the video to be sold to a studio. Well… whatever. Judging by the content description, we may not get to see her pussy, but I’ve got my fingers crossed! By the way, I snagged some Octomom bikini pics up there. Can cosmetic surgery be anymore obvious? Franken-Mom!

I don’t understand the point of women’s fashion magazines that contain photos of women… with very little clothing on. I’m not saying I don’t love a fabulous looking pair of its, surrounded by glittery overpriced clothing, –this is any bi-girl’s wetdream. I just don’t get the point. Surely Muse isn’t marketing strictly to lesbians and the bisexual rich women. So what gives? Oh well, all I can say, is keep up the fantastic work. In the Winter 2010 edition of Muse, we get to see Julia Stegner, German fashion model extraordinaire topless and loving it. Julia’s appeared in almost a decade of Victoria Secret fashion shows, and the cherry on top is Paz de la Huerta’s topless in the same issue. The only thing that would have made it better is if they were photographed making out. Too sexy.

She honestly can’t. Just yesterday she had her bikini all rolled up and out of control, and apparently, someone sifted through the same set of photos, and found a couple where her boob had just popped out, and her nipples came out to say hi. Actually, in the photo, it looks like she’s deliberately showing off a boob to the cameraman. Which is silly, because you can see her nipples through her bikini top anyway! Now if she had, say, flashed something else… Well, I dunno, that would have been weird, because while she’s frolicking around, with a huge wedgie and her bikini all rolled up in weird places, showing off her boob to the paparazzi… her kid is hanging around. Seymour needs some psychiatric help.

Up until now, I feel as though I may have been a little harsh on the ladies; sure, we get desperate for things to put in our pussies, and hey, it’s true, there are times we’ve cybered with the wrong guys. What have men done? Well, as it turns out, lots of things. After all, men have the same potential to be desperately horny, and unfortunately, perilously curious. One of my favorite sexy urban legends, brought to you by the star of many an urban legend: the Redneck.

One day, this redneck, new to the Internet, is told of a new way to masturbate by a very kinky ‘girl’ in an Internet chat room. At first, he’s pretty wary, considering what this woman is advising him to do. But, after a while, this promise of the ‘best orgasm he’s ever had’ starts to get him to wondering. And finally, his defenses fall, –perhaps it’s the abundance of  cheap beer in his system, –and he shuffles into the kitchen to look for something to use.

“Aha!” he says, and pulls one whole piece of dry spaghetti from a half-empty box of pasta, “this’ll fit.” He promptly drops his pants, and gets himself ready for some …action. Once his friend is at full attention, he bites his lip, summons up all his courage, and slowly inserts the dry spaghetti noodle, an inch at a time, into his urethra. Once in, he decides it’s not so bad, and begins moving it slowly, wiggling it around a little, in the way his online girlfriend had instructed. Suddenly, the front door slams and…

*snap*

Oh no! Somewhere, inside this guy’s cock, the brittle noodle, has broken. And things just get worse because his wife is home. The redneck barrels his way into the bathroom, and in the process, manages to break off the only visible inch of noodle he’d been gripping. Panicking, he forces his dick to cooperate, and desperately pisses, hoping to save his cock by forcing the noodle out of his urethra. Alas, it remains; and an hour later, when he rushes off to the emergency room, he’s informed by the doctor that the noodle, softened slightly by the urine, has swollen, and there’s no way to remove it except through emergency surgery.