Dirty Mag

When most people think of ‘sex on the beach’, they think, romantic black and white movies, the waves, the smell of the ocean. When practical people think of sex on the beach, they think sand in the crotch, horrible abrasion, and the smell of dead fish, –from the ocean, not the girl, hopefully. But when educated, informed people think of sex on the beach, they think of typhoid fever, Hepatitis A, and dysentery.

And those are just a few of the things you can get from screwing on the sand. You see, the ocean is a breeding ground for all kinds of bacteria; some of the nastiest stuff, comes from the fish shit, bird shit, and inevitably, polluted waste and human shit that gets dumped in our oceans, –all that rises to the surface, and is washed ashore in the waves. The sand works as a filter, pulling the nastiness out of the water, so that the few remaining aquatic creatures we haven’t killed yet with pollution, can survive another decade or so. Then people come along, and have sex on the sand. And all sorts of delicious bacteria, ends up both in and on the body. So maybe those 1920′s people with full body swimwear, had the right idea.

Egotastic has been calling Michelle Bombshell McGee a lot of nasty names and such, just because she’s a Nazi, anti-Semite type chick. Well, to be fair, there is a legitimate fetish for ‘Women of the SS,’ and plenty of guys that aren’t necessarily anti-Semitic are attracted to them. It’s not so much the torturing and killing Jews thing, as a ‘woman in power’ thing. Sure, Bombshell McGee might be a Nazi; but let’s just focus on the fact that she’s a brazen home-wrecker, –who doesn’t mind pumping out nude pics for the rest of us perverts.

Nazi naked pics are by far, one of the more pedestrian fetishes out there; in fact, in some countries, anti-Semites are by several hundred degrees less offensive than lesbians. Maybe I’ll email her and ask nicely if she really is an anti-Semite, just for argument’s sake?

Well, you’ll wish you hadn’t. Spanish Fly’s active ingredient, cantharidin, is found in an insect; the ‘blister beetle’, called such because it excretes cantharidin, which causes the skin to blister. The bugs are ground up, into a powder; thus “Spanish Fly.” Oh and it gets better. Spanish Fly as an aphrodisiac, is used in very small, diluted doses. However, it’s very easy to take too much. Guess what happens with too much Spanish Fly in your system?

Oh sure, priapism; as if that’s not bad enough, an overdose of Spanish Fly causes inflamed genitalia. So basically, you’re gobbling dose after bitter dose of ground up bug shit, just to get a longer lasting erection, that can easily become an extremely long lasting erection, and a itching, burning crotch. Sounds like fun, no? My suggestion is: stick with chocolate; the only side effect is a bigger ass.

Maybe there’s something incredibly orgasmic about a half naked woman surrounded by cartoons that I’m just not understanding. For example, Olivia Munn wearing underwear, a long sleeved glittery shirt, and spike heeled boots, –while riding a cartoon unicorn. Is this some sort of girl-power thing? Or is she making a statement about fantasy equestrian bestiality?

How about the one where she’s posing as Eve, with an apple, and a cartoon serpent, –in greenish gray granny panties? The pose with a chipmunk and a beaver, I can maybe understand, but as for being swallowed by a giant cartoon snake? No, guys, I’m just not seeing the allure. She’s hot, and she’s scantily clad, and that would be enough, –but the Disney-ish cartoon surroundings make me feel a bit guilty, –it’s a little like masturbating while watching cartoons.

Sure guys, you like to think that those girly magazines can’t hurt you, but you’re wrong! Women’s magazine like Cosmo, Elle, etc., take away time she could be spending in the kitchen. Not to mention adding to time spent on the couch, with a laughably contemplative look on her face, a ballpoint pen, and endless multiple choice questions. But all these things are basically harmless, unless you’re easily pushed into a psychotic rage. No, Cosmo brings out the really dangerous stuff a few pages away from the monthly quiz. In the sex tips section.

Ladies, don’t do this stuff. Men, if she looks like she wants to try any of it, run away. Cracked.com has the full scoop on Cosmo’s plans to eventually create an army of eunuchs to rule the world.

1. “Very softly bite the skin of the scrotum.”

No. Don’t do this, ever. In fact, when one’s sack is bitten, the fact that you’re a girl may suddenly become second to the fact that you’ve just bitten his balls. I doubt Cosmo is going to pay for your dental/hospital bills.

2. Curtis, 33 says “The most amazing oral sex I’ve ever had was from a woman who jiggled my balls back and forth with her hand, like she was shaking dice in a cup. I thought I was going to explode!”

“Curtis” sounds more like a vindictive woman, first of all. Most men generally don’t care to have their balls smashed into each other rapidly. in fact, a game like Yahtzee! was never meant to be played with any genitalia at all.

3. Cesar, 28, says “A little known erogenous zone: the area between a guy’s navel and his penis. Lick it, tickle it, or gently tug the hairs there.”

Few men will enjoy a woman yanking on their pubes. To the ones that do, someone in Cosmo is definitely looking out for you. For the other 98% of guys who prefer not to have their cock hairs yanked, find and silence this “Cesar” fellow.

4. Cindy, 32, says “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel good effects.”

The only thing I can think of, is the possibility that the guy’s head might actually explode. Orgasm + a sneeze? Sounds like the answer to that equation is probably ‘seizure + death.’ Not to mention the likelihood of accidentally pouring pepper in his eye.

5. Steven, 23, says “It really sucks when a woman handles your manhood with care. Ladies, our units aren’t that sensitive. We need you to get a little rough with them –squeeze hard, suck hard, really grab on to it like you’re milking a cow. You may think you’re hurting him, but I guarantee if you asked, he’d request more, more.”

One of the more obvious sex tips from someone with a terrible sense of humor, the guy is basically saying, “Yank and squeeze on his cock, and when he starts screaming, you’ll know he likes it. Just don’t ask his permission.”

6. “Move my penis all around like an old-school Atari joystick –up, down, side to side, in a circle.”

Sure. Why not. She’s already attempted to bite off your nutsack, jiggled your balls like dice, yanked out half your pubic hair, poured pepper in your eye, and seriously mistreated your cock. At this point, some Atari joystick action will give you a chance to catch your breath, while she’s building up to finally putting you in the hospital. Or leave, quickly.

7. Jamie, 30, says “Make two fists around my shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can.”

Giving an Indian Burn to someone’s cock is a no-no. On your arm is one thing, on your dick, the amplified sensation would be similar to putting your junk in a meat grinder. Ladies, don’t do this, ever.

Nice save, too! For some reason, a bill reached the house panel in Minnesota that would prohibit local politicians and government employees from staying in hotels that allowed pay-per-view porno. Not that women are bad people or anything, but that bill sure does have that vague smell of menopausal female politician. But actually, the bill was sponsored by Democratic Rep. Larry Haws of St. Cloud, Minn. (who looks just like the Quaker Oats guy!), whose nuts are probably in the vice-like grip of his wife at this very moment. Anyway, it didn’t make it, thank god for Minnesota’s govt. employees! The bill was voted down by Minn.’s House State and Local Government Operations Reform. However, a companion bill also sponsored by obvious sadist Larry Haws, made it past the Senate committee, and is actually currently on the Senate floor. Let’s hope there are still a few men with balls in there to set this guy straight.

That’s what they’re saying in the LA Times, –in one of the most “misguided” theatrical efforts of all time, the director of the original 1980 film Caligula, Tinto Brass, has alluded to remaking the film , –without the gratuitous sex! in 3D. Caligula followed the rule of a particularly perverted Roman emperor with a taste for mass orgies. I’m going to have to side with Brand X writer Richard Metzger, remain critical of the project, and remind the audience: this film has a lot of extremely explicit barfing scenes. While those with a vomit fetish, –and hey, we aren’t saying that’s bad, –would probably cum in their pants at the idea of hot celebs barfing in 3D, I’d have to pass. I’d also like to point out again,  Tinto Brass wants LESS sex in this remake. Spare us!

…Not necessarily do they need to make a porno ‘together’ but that would be pretty epic, if ten of the hottest, –or not so hottest (some of the people in this list are just for the sake of curiosity), screwed each other on tape. I’d be all over it; if they were selling, I’d buy, and then seek autographs of participants. Hell, I’d probably buy a few copies, because you know that shit would get scratched after the first 2 billion viewings at every single social event I ever had in my life. Including visits from plumbers, UPS deliveries, and the pizza guy. Not to mention the other 2 billion times I watch it on my own, with or without vibrator in hand.

Should these ten celeb guys ever make porno movies (not those bullshit 2 minute clips, or accidental junk slips caught on cam, but good, 20-30 minute dirty sex on cam), I will definitely need you to donate to my vibe battery fund. Keep an eye out people!

10. Benicio Del Toro – From Wolfman, to frigging Dr. Gonzo, to some guy who kidnaps Alicia Silverstone in an old 90′s movie I can’t even remember the name of, Benicio Del Toro is effing hot!!! Admittedly, the fact that Benicio is drop dead sexy gorgeous, is actually a hot debate amongst gay men and females, but as far as I’m concerned, no argument. And I desperately want to know how big his dick is, just for the sake of facts. I bet he’s hung like a donkey. Supposedly, he was once caught screwing some chick on an elevator security camera; not only is he hot, he’s freaky!

9. Steve Buscemi – Yes, I know, totally weird choice, but I think the guy’s probably a kink-monster in disguise. He just looks like someone with a dungeon, and a secret sex lab. Several women have told me about secret crushes on Steve Buscemi, and I can see the attraction. He’s hilarious, and balls to the wall bizarre, –both looking and acting. John Cheese compared Steve Buscemi and Paris Hilton in his Top Ten Celebrity Sex Videos Nobody Wanted to See post, and Steve Buscemi came out hotter. So I guess, his sex tape would be much more well-received. So Steve, hurry up and make one before you’re eating Viagra like M&M’s just to jerk off.

8. Gary Busey – Come on, he’s only 65! I bet he’s manic as hell in bed, and if Gary Busey doesn’t make a sex tape, I’d settle for his son, which brings me to…

7. Jake Busey -  Sorry, but this is for all the girls who ever saw the shower scene in Starship Troopers, and wanted more! Jake Busey was hot in Home Fries too, when he played insane Angus (typecast much?), beside Luke Wilson as his brother Dorian and Drew Barrymore. I love that Jake has all the sharp, spunky weirdness of his dad, but a much more attractive face.

6. Kiefer Sutherland – Unfortunately, Kiefer needed to make the video in the late 80′s or early 90′s, when he was really, extremely, pussy-wetness-inducing sexy.

5. Patrick Stewart – You can’t possibly tell me there aren’t women out there who never fantasized about Dr. Xavier, or Captain Jean-Luc Picard; a giant bald English man! And hey, he might be old and crusty now, but at one point he was buff!

4. Crispin Glover – Old Crispy is one of those people who are just endlessly creepy; his soft-spoken demeanor, fondness for bizarre show tunes, and lanky form just scream: Rapist in a dark alley! But still, he’s hot. His latest role as the flirty knave in Alice in Wonderland with an affinity for “largeness”, only further increases his mystique. Porn with Crispin Glover? Yes please! Unfortunately, the only thing close to Crispy porn is him chasing around his ‘dream girl’ in Simon Says.

3. Christian Bale – One of Bale’s prime shortcomings, at least in my book, is his violent temper; not long after his debacle with the lighting director on the set of Terminator: Salvation, he assaulted a female relative. But still, despite his temper, he’s hot. So he makes it to the number three spot. Christian Bale’s charm, hot looks, and tendency towards violence makes him this generation’s Billy Idol.

2. Leonardo Dicaprio – Not counting his role in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?, Leonardo Dicaprio almost always portrays a devilishly sexy young rogue, and though we’ve all heard rumors about his package, or lack thereof, who doesn’t want to see it? Just to make sure? I’d probably settle for just seeing his butt, especially after being teased with that sweaty scene in Titanic. Kate Winslet, you lucky bitch.

1. Johnny Depp – Obviously! His films have inspired various pornographic re-makes, and every straight man alive has nothing to say about Depp, aside from gay jokes, –obvious signs of jealousy! Johnny Depp has been in plenty of risque scenes, but for some reason, just never made the leap into porn. If you have the exact measurements of Depp’s package, plus proof of its size, or video evidence of an existing sex tape, please, direct us to the facts!  Inquiring minds need to know!

The porn magazines in the 60s and 70s were some of the raunchiest reads around; you found them everywhere, few publishers of these pulp nasties were around longer than a couple years, some only staying in business for months at a time before they were eventually dismembered, disbanded, and inevitably, discontinued. Vintage porn and weird pulp magazines of the 60′s and 70′s have become eBay collector’s items, –just some of the genuinely good shit you can find on a marketplace run by scam artists and people who have the art of con down to a complex science.

So this sleaze aficionado, Tom Brinkmann took it upon himself to start a massive collection of ‘bad mags’, and I guess the library of raunch got so huge, he figured he ought to let us in on the complexities of collecting pulp magazines. And thank god! No one has a better library of freaky shit, whether it’s porno, Sharon Tate and Manson Family speculation stories, or Satanic babes posing in pentagrams with impossibly cinched waists. He catalogs a history of sleazy magazines, and modestly claims his work is nowhere near a complete list of every ‘bad mag’ out there. While that may be true, it’s the closest damn thing we have to a complete desk reference of slasher/crime mags, and porn rags from decades long lost in the annals of porn history.

Bad Mags Vol. 1 is sold out currently from Headpress Publications, but Tom Brinkmann found it within his twisted little heart to actually write a Bad Mags Vol. 2, –which is presently available from the same publisher. To list just a few of the choice 60s/70s vintage occult porno mags he reveals in the book, there’s Bitchcraft, Sextrology, The Devil Made Me Do It, Witches & Bitches, Satana, and Satan Sex Ceremonies. If you’re not hooked yet then the only thing that can possible convince is the gallery! So check it out!

Many people are familiar with the incredibly correct classic “The Internet is for Porn,” while most are actually unaware that it’s part of a broadway production called Avenue Q that features puppets screwing each other, dropping f-bombs all over the place, and busting into songs, such as the above mentioned “The Internet is for Porn,”  “If You Were Gay,” and “Everyone’s a Little Bit Racist,” just to name a few of the choice tracks from the show.

The story follows Princeton, a starry-eyed English major in the mean, unclean filth filled streets of New York. Characters he interacts with, like Lucy the Slut are supposed to cook up a politically incorrect statement about real issues like sex, homelessness, and joblessness.

If you can believe it, things like musical Sesame Street-spoof style puppet porn, violence, and profanity has actually been done before in the lesser known classic from Peter Jackson, –Meet the Feebles, is probably his dirtiest little secret. It features dancing, singing, screwing, murderous puppets in a stage show called, of course, ‘Meet the Feebles.’

There are some musical scenes, but only one repetitive musical number. The hardcore bondage scenes featuring a cow and a cockroach being filmed in a basement by a rat, are just a few of the film’s various sexual travesties. Another choice frame shows a walrus sticking it to a slutty cat, or yet another, a jiggling, past-her-prime hippo trying to score with the walrus. It’s sick, hilarious, and sticky, white loads of fun. If you can’t make it to the theater, rent Meet the Feebles till Avenue Q cums to you!