Dirty Mag

I love it when the prissy celebrities make serious fashion flubs; or when they make sex tapes they think will -never- see the light of day. And then all of a sudden, BAM! Titties! Not only was Milla Jovovich’s nipple out there waving hi to everyone, –it was out through several pictures, and photo-ops. At no point did anyone bother saying, “Hey babe… uhm, we can see our nipple.” Thank you, all of you, who either had no balls, or were mean spirited enough to want Milla’s nipples out there on the Internet. Delightful. Although she may be flat chest, Jovovich is plenty hot, and we’re always happy to see a hot celebrity’s nipple. Honestly, it looks like the dress was made specifically to show off a nipple. Also, I have to say, as hot as Jovovich is, –her nipples are kind long and weird. I like tiny perky nipples, personally. Any other opinions on Milla’s big nipple?

Jack Kerouac’s book “On the Road”, whose prominent character, Dean Moriarty, is inspired by and based on Neal Cassady, will be coming to the big screen. Should be an interesting film portrayal, since the book was pretty racy and wild, at least in the description of “Dean”s and Mary Lou will be LuAnne Henderson; Neal Cassady’s first wife… who was 15 in reality, and was only with Neal for about a year, before their marriage was annulled, and he settled down with another woman, had kids, –and went on to become a major icon and inspiration to many prominent players in the Beat generation; if you’re lost, what they did, was make drugs really popular for a while, inspire great writers, and popularize living fast and hard. Ask your grandparents about him sometime. Kristen Stewart will be playing Mary Lou, and there will be lots of nudity. In fact, it will be constant.  She’s nude in her first couple of scenes, actually. So get ready guys.

The new adventure/fantasy/comedy film called “Your Highness” is about a group of incompetents, trying to do some epic thing, probably pretty important, and in the meantime, there’s lots of flubs and silly jokes. But! what they’ve also included in the plot I could care less about, because it’s -been done-, is add Natalie Portman in a thong, –and yep, she bends over, baring the entire booty to audiences lucky enough to see the R-rated trailer, which you can find here. On top of that, at some point, the lucky guys get chased around by naked forest nymphs. There are serious boobs, people. If you’ve ever seen a topless chick run, then you know what I’m talking about. If you haven’t, then you need to see the R-rated version of Monty Python’s The Meaning of Life.

Over the last couple of years, there have been so may different celebrity sex tapes. But were any of them any good? Check our list below, and we’ll let you know the sex tapes that sucked, and the sex tapes that were worth a second, third, or fourth look.

Miley Cyrus Sex Tape: It’s good porn, but it’s not really Miley Cyrus, –just somehow who looks and acts exactly like her!

Tila Tequila Leaked Sex Tape: Yes, absolutely, watch it a lot. The single most hot chick-only porn I’ve seen in forever.

Octomom Sex Tape – Ew, hell no! Don’t watch this, ever. It involves infantilism, S&M, and a heavily tattooed man in a diaper. Gag.

The Simpsons Sex Tape – Yeah, maybe if you’re mentally damaged.

Dita Von Teese Sex Tape – Do you really need me to tell you that the burlesque queen would make a hot porno? Thought not.

Kate Ritchie Sex Tape: Nope, bad quality, avoid! It’s grainy, and her body looks like… made of cheese or something. Yech.

There are so many incest fetishes out there, and an infinite number of roleplay scenarios that go from popular, to perverse, to insanely criminal. And yet, it’s one of the most popular perversities around. I moonlight as a phonesex operator, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been asked to pretend to be a mommy, a daughter, a big sister, etc., and honestly, I’ll admit it gets pretty old. But the scenarios keep changing. Occasionally, a story pops up in a newspaper, in which two consenting adults have formed an incestuous relationship; there are discussion and counsel/support groups online that cater to those who are in a consenting incestuous relationship.

Not sure how I feel about consensual incestuous relationships, though the incest taboo is one of the most ancient sexual taboos of all time. It’s existed for thousands of years, in many cultures, and even animals tend to avoid breeding with their own kind, for the most part. Animals only breed with immediate siblings/ancestors/descendants when there’s nothing else available, particularly in the domesticated settings. Consensual incestuous relationships are heavily politically debated, while in the meantime, incestuous marriages are illegal, unless there is no blood relationship, or if the relatives are very distant from each others’ family tree branches.

Sexually abuse should maintain in its position of illegality, –but should we make it legal for consenting adults to marry, even if they’re an incestuous couple? Or leave it as a private choice, –if a still mostly illegal lifestyle choice. As the word was introduced to the English language in the year 1225, –chances are, it existed before that, –so with it being such an old practice, the chances are, it’s here to stay. Do you sympathize with those who are berated, lynched, attacked, and accused of being sick?

Gorgeous horror babes, and scream queens:

Akasha, as portrayed by Aaliyah (RIP) – Aaliyah, gorgeous, with a perfect body, and not to mention, the tragic character now that she’s dead, made the perfect vampire queen. In Queen of the Damned, she was sexy, romantic, deadly, vicious, –a perfect vampire. Her exotic looks totally transcended the genre; she was the black widow of contemporary scream queens.

Paris Hilton – Sure, I know what you’re thinking, –ditzy blonde airhead, –but those are practically prerequisites on the application for scream queen. Her death in House of Wax was priceless, –for one thing, because it was damn creative, and because she managed to survive for a pretty long while. Then, her antics in Repo: The Genetic Opera, –her face-off scene, amazing, plus, she was hot… and she sang!

Jenna Jameson – Just for her role in Zombie Strippers. I know, I could have picked a billion different babes, with way more acting credit, but –she fucking Jenna Jameson. She’s a Jenna Jameson zombie stripper! She’s hot and dead! If you’re a gore-met and a perverted fan of her porn, this is like the Holy Grail of Horror.

The first two are things that totally got my juices flowing back when I was at my most hormonal. Believe it or not guys, girls watch porn too. And when I was a kid, I’d sit down in the basement, desperately trying to focus on what what happening on the jumping frames on channel 98. To this day, I have no idea what the name of this channel was, –but it most certainly was not Skinemax, because you could see all the good bits. Whereas, on Skinemax, you find yourself moving your head around, actually trying to look behind the strategically placed potted plant. Channel 98 was responsible for my first self-achieved orgasm; thank you, jumping and scrambled porn channel.

And weird porno… well, I don’t actually mean weird porno movies, so much as, the days when you had to put porn in a VCR, and the tapes were usually sticky and hidden under your parents bed. I miss porn that had a story to it; Jenna Jameson has been in a few weird ones. I remember at one point seeing a porn in which there were centaurs and nymphs running around. You don’t see stuff like that anymore, in live-action porn anyway.

Daisy Duke, the Catherine Bach version, my first girl crush, mostly because my parents insisted on watching old TV, –later on, I’d fall for Xena and Gabrielle, and fantasize about Amazonian threesomes. But my first lezzy crush definitely involved Daisy Duke, and at 14, I even owned a few pairs. I still do! Cut-off denim shorts that climb pretty high, –not quite ‘hot-pants’, but close, –came from Daisy herself, and for a year or so, I thought about getting in those shorts just as much as the next bisexual teenage girl.

Why would you want to see Miley Cyrus topless anyway? She looks like a horse, and I suspect that there’s some serious inbreeding going on in that family, –remember those nasty pics she took with her dad? Ugh, now I know, the daddy thing turns some of you on, but seriously, maybe if it was with two attractive people, and if it was roleplay, of course. But Miley Cyrus, topless? Eh, I wasn’t even surreptitiously interested back when she was still jail bait. I live in the midwest, where there are trailer trash girls aplenty, –I don’t need to fantasize over a celebrity piece of trailer trash. And if I was going to, it would be at -least- an attractive hillbilly.

…and preferably, throw in a dash of pussy. Good pussy, not old pussy. Seriously, we’ve seen Renee Olstead, –we think, –and wow. Tits, ass, pussy, even masturbation. Amanda Seyfried has terrific tits, and Megan Fox never disappointments, –Vanessa Hudgens is unfortunately, being closely, and litigiously guarded, but that’s okay, fuck her, we’ve seen her naked before anyway. Nananananana. But I want more, –what can I say, I’m a greedy bitch? Personally, I’m in the mood for Rihanna, whose few leaked photos were blurry, and sucked, –she needs to rehearse her shit. Maybe Scarlett Johansson, but seriously, she’s a little too much of a dolly for me. I like my girls to be brazen and brassy, –I’ve seen Angelina Jolie’s tits, but I’m still praying for a sex tape.

Ah, if wishes were horses beggars would ride. There are too many female celebrities out there who need more nudity in their lives. I don’t think I need to include the jail bait girls among these, –but I will, starting with Taylor Momsen. Hurry up and turn 18, Jesus Christ, what a tease. Am I in a hurry to see a Miley Cyrus sex tape? No, because I’m almost sure the cameraman would be her dad, seeing as how the two have a clearly dysfunctional fame-whoring relationship. Those hackers responsible for doing all the damage need to watch out for the FBI, and in the meantime, keep providing photos of idiotic celebrities, who have yet to figure out that nude photos will always end up on the Internet.

Katy Perry’s Upskirt is Useless – Why? Because her god damn hand is in the way. You can see her giant red pompom nose, and you can see her legs, the fact that she clearly has no class, and even her nice legs. But since her hand has found its way to her crotch unprecedented, you can’t see her pussy, or even her panties for that matter.

Taryn Manning Is In Playboy… Fully Clothed – You see that shadow of a nipple, and the curve of ass on the cover of Playboy? Well, enjoy it guys, that’s all the nudity you’ll get from Taryn Manning. The rest of the issue has her lounging around in clothes, playing with feathers and shit. Look, maybe if Playboy’s audience was 17 year old lipstick lesbians, that would be hot. But since we’re grown ups, we want to see pussy, not feathers and panties.

Olivia Munn isn’t a Fun Drunk – Someone lied to Olivia Munn, –as a drunk, she’s obnoxious, and none of her clothes come off. She just babbles inanely, and makes herself look like irredeemable trailer trash. They should have had Lindsay Lohan as a guest that day. Now there’s a fun drunk. Blohan would have everyone naked and snorting coke off the cameraman’s cock in less than ten minutes.