Dirty Mag

In Cliff, New Mexico, a substitute history teacher accidentally showed students a few seconds of porn on a VHS tape that had been used to record a program from the History channel. Apparently, the substitute borrowed the tape from a friend, who had ruined some perfectly good porn by taping a documentary over the top of it. Hmm. Doesn’t sound like any normal guy I know.

Dick Pool (yeah, that’s seriously his name), the superintendent of the school board in Cliff, held a school board meeting in which many parents showed up to bitch and complain. The substitute teacher was probably fired, but Pool made no comment on what happened to the guy. Maybe the parents lynched him, or burned him at the stake.  These were high school age kids mind you; most of them have already seen porn in their own homes by now. According to the Washington Post:

“Parent Francesca Estevez said Cliff, located in rural southwestern New Mexico, is “very cohesive” and the videotape “was not acceptable by community standards.”"

Seems like the guy is trying to say, ‘Hey, just because we’re out in the stick, doesn’t mean we broadcast porn movies to our kids.’ I feel like I missed something there; who is this guy defending the town from? No one thinks it’s acceptable for kids that age to see porn in an educational setting. Sex education is meant to be boring too, without any stimulation whatsoever. Porn should be enjoyed elsewhere; please enjoy our sexy teacher pics while reading along.

Can you guess from the name what a ‘mechaphile’ is? It’s the most popular type of objectophilia; most women would say every man in the world is affected by it. Objectophilia is a rare fetish that cause its owner to become sexually aroused by inanimate objects, –not always phallic. For those of you who haven’t guessed yet, mechaphilia is a sexual attraction for dun dun dun: cars! That’s right, if you go out of your way to masturbate inside of or against cars, spend time rubbing against your car, browse car lots, rubbing up against parked cars, and get erect, –or wet, when you see a particularly sexy car… then you’re a mechaphile!

I think plenty of people have occasionally felt a little horny at the site of a hot looking car, –I’m guilty of becoming a little more slippery at the site of a particularly choice 80′s muscle car. For those interested in the process; making love to a car is easy, you can start with basic foreplay, such as caressing, licking, kissing, laying on the body work or hood of the car.

For the more hardcore fetishists, there’s always fucking the tail pipe, but experienced mechaphiles advise the novice mechaphiles to be more adventurous, and “use any orifice you can find!” And if you’d like some reciprocation, –find a manual gear shift, but put a condom on it first for obvious reasons. They also encourage mechaphiles to try out car bondage; serve as a submissive to luxury land yachts, or dominate a sexy little redhead sports car.

There’s a lot of fun facts and trivia in the porno industry. It’s not all about a bunch of greasy guys filming two people going at it in an abandoned warehouse. Pornography is an art, and it does require skill. Though celebrities with cell phones might capture the occasional blurry fuck session, and it’ll be popular fast, it’s not proper porn. It’s just a blurry fuck session. Real pornography involves great camera work, and evolved morals that don’t shy away from hanging out with naked people, or the occasional accidental act of stepping in a puddle of semen.

Which is why it’s kind of funny that we’ll be talking about some of the trade secrets of softcore porn, since most people don’t even consider it to be real porn. There is some skill involved however, in making a porno without showing any nudity whatsoever. Some soft porn features female nudity, but never an erect penis, or full view of anything other than the female’s pubic area. Strategic placement of limbs, furniture, potted plants, and pasties or skin colored panties that hide the important bits.

Some softcore porn or even feature films, do in fact show the male penis, but the erect penis is the ultimate no-no. In England before 2002, for example, if your male actor fails the Mull of Kintyre Test, your movie will have to be either re-edited or remain unreleased. The BBFC’s (British Board of Film Classification) “unofficial guideline” was if the penis was in a state of arousal that made it more vertical than a map’s depiction of the Mull of Kintyre, then it couldn’t be shown. The Mull of Kintyre is a peninsula on the coast of Scotland that has the unfortunate distinction of looking exactly like a cock.

Pretty interesting, really, –I wonder if Florida has any porn movie guidelines? Its shape is slightly phallic, and it’s known for being one of the top tourist destinations in the world, filled to the brim with excess and debauchery of all kinds. As a resident, I can tell you, it’s definitely a state of arousal.

Porn and adult movies are probably one of the single most fantastic inventions of all time. But to wax philosophical for a moment, pornography is one of humankind’s most celebrated forms of art. We just can’t seem to stop celebrating the act of reproduction; it’s in our nature to marvel at our own forms. Sex is one of the most amazing events to ever take place, regardless of human achievement over history. And the day the act could finally be preserved in film, the nude human form of a young man or woman preserved tangibly for hundreds of years through sculpture, painting, photography, film, and now finally, digital images, –well, those days aren’t some taboo secret to be kept by the perverse. They are momentous occasions, carrying as much weight as the moon landing, the completion of the Statue of Liberty, the end of World Wars, –and more!

So what better way to celebrate than to lavish millions on the recording of debauchery in all its most glorious forms? Well, to lavish billions, of course. Sadly, that’s yet to happen. These, without further ado, are the most expensive adult films ever made.

3. Uninhibited (1995) $1.2 Million – You won’t find a lot of information on this film out there, even though it was one of the only adult films to ever break the million dollar mark. It was even broken down and edited for television by USA and HBO. Basically, it’s a crime drama; a detective loses his partner, and the replacement is filled by the busty seductress, “Detective Jugginson.” Buck Adams, known by porn lovers for his superb skill in both ahem… acting in porn, and directing, oversaw the direction of the film. Adams passed on in 2008, leaving the Adult Video News bereft. He won three AVN awards for best actor, landed in the AVN Hall of Fame, and the X-Rated Critics Org. (XRCO) Hall of Fame as well.

2. Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge (2008) $8 Million – Pirates of the Caribbean was popular; you know, like Harry Potter is popular? And of course, there was a big budget porno inspiration. The first porno ‘re-imagining’ of Pirates of the Caribbean was simply titled ‘Pirates’, made in 2005 with a budget of only $1 Million, –quite a big leap, but still modest compared to its $8 Million sequel. The plot follows … a bunch of horny pirates and pirate maiden types, fighting, hunting treasure, forming and ending vendettas, and screwing each others’ brains out. It’s highly entertaining, and full of filthy sex.

1. Caligula (1979) $17.5 Million – An adult movie that was made with a real Hollywood cast and crew, featuring Oscar winning actress Helen Mirren. The film featured scenes of hardcore orgies, among its other numerous depictions of eye candy, and the uncensored version was banned. The film’s plot revolves around Roman Emperor Caligula, with a particular taste for deviancy. The uncut version was only recently released. Get it today, and see what the fuss is all about.

Ah, the Oedipal classic that started a series that would last for 27 more films, all the way up until the last; Taboo 23, 2007. Taboo holds a special place in my heart of naughty hearts, because it was the first porn movie I ever saw. Oh, the heady days of youth; long before catching glimpses of the raunchy movies on channel 98 between wavy lines of  cable interference, there were the movies under your friend’s parents’ bed.

Although there had been numerous films by 1980 that explored incest fantasy, and of course, publications and other erotic media, full length adult films on the topic were few and far between. Several comments on the film declare Taboo to be the porno that set standards for the rest of adult movies. It was and still is, one of the top earning adult films of all time.

Taboo explored the topic of mother/son incest better than any cheesy Japanese cartoon you’ll ever see. The story (yes, a story, that’s how old this porno is, there is actually a storyline!) follows adult actress Kay Parker, playing the newly single Barbara Scott, whose husband just left her for his secretary because of her prudish bedroom ways. Their son decides to stay with his “not over the hill” mother. The two inevitably begin to screw, but towards the end of the film, things get complicated when Barb gets a new boyfriend. Dun dun dun! The film is still available, in all its glorious sleaze, and even the infamous Ron Jeremy is supposed to have a cameo. Though sources differ, so if you can find him in there, do tell.

This is more than just a tad ridiculous; the “racy pictures” in question here show the Olympic bronze medalist, Scotty Lago, in the albeit slightly risque pose of allowing a random passerby to kiss and bite his bronze metal. In one particular shot, the medal is dangling over his groin region. Olympic officials are acting like he was fellatio’d right there on a street corner by the woman. Olympic snowboarding is one of those sports featuring notoriously scruffy looking pot head types, and their judgment isn’t always coherent, let alone tasteful.

I mean, why else would they be up there, freezing their asses off, flipping all over the place, with only one ski? That’s a sport where recklessness and stupidity are prerequisites, not detrimental career flaws. Why blame the guy for acting like an idiot, when he already acts like an idiot professionally? Another point here, –it’s bullshit that he’s leaving over this. Whose fault is it that this random broad came up and licked his medal? Did he pay her to do it on camera? I doubt it! Some random bitch just got Scotty Lago ousted from the Olympics. Think she’s losing any sleep over it? Not since she got to gnaw on his medal.

Ah, the life and times of any silent film actress in the 1920s was sure to include various acts of downright scandalous behavior. Actresses were still smeared with the stigma from the stage girls of the previous century; most theaters and stages were whorehouses, filled with actresses, singers, and dancers, –all talented in the ways of debauchery as well as the stage. For the next century and a half, women who work in theater and film still carry questionable virture, –as they do even today.

Louise, or Lulu Brooks, was certainly not too proud to appear nude; Lulu was also a model, a showgirl, and a  dancer as well as a silent flapper film star. She loved sex, and was openly speculative about her Sapphic proclivities; she even confessed to have numerous affairs with women. One such passionate encounter was a one-night stand with notorious beauty, Greta Garbo.

What is the world coming to when the guy owning the biggest dick is broke, unemployed, and lives with his mom? If he can’t find work, then what are the rest of us going to do?! Jonah Falcon, 39, owns a 13.5 inch penis, –the longest cock ever to be recorded on film! So, like the rest of us, you might be wondering why he isn’t performing in porno movies. Well, he says that he’d rather be a real actor, and any nude scenes would have to include a genuine role in a film for him.

The jobless, though hung New Yorker, has been in several uncredited acting parts in television and cable shows, but he has yet to make his mark in anything other than an HBO documentary from 1999. Apparently, royalties aren’t doing much for the guy. Too proud for porn? He seriously needs to watch Zack and Miri Make a Porno. Sometimes, you have to do what you have to do, –and “what” can be a hot chick. Maybe he could make a guest appearance as “King of Cock” or something?

When you’re an aide to the Palestinian president, I guess there isn’t much left to barter for sex with, other than cash. Rather than open his checking account, Rafiq Husseini decided to… er.. open his pants, and hope his career spoke for him. Well, he either had an incredibly small dick, or was seriously unattractive, because the woman he was hitting on wasn’t interested. In fact, she was so uninterested, she had an ex-secret agent type from the government shoot a video of the scene.

The unidentified woman in the tape was a job applicant, –yup, oldest porno story in the world. “Want a job baby? Well, so do I.” Later on, the video was aired over television, smearing the name of Rafiq Husseini, according to his lawyer at least. Nasser Laham editor-in-chief of the independent Maan news agency commented in an editorial that the event was embarrassing to not only citizens, but government as well. An investigation is pending, as sexual harassment, and sex crimes in general, are taken very seriously in the Palestinian territories.

Unless Lady Gaga pulled a ‘Goodbye Horses’ (Buffalo Bill tucking and hiding his penis between his legs in Silence of the Lambs) before her concert, then she’s not a hermaphrodite! Bad news for all those guys and girls out there fantasizing about a Lady Gaga with a dick. During her performance at this year’s Brit Awards, Lady Gag-a-riffic squatted down and… since she’s from a planet that never invented panties… *insert embarrassing sound effect here* her pussy lip popped out of the crotch of her costume to say hi to the fans.

On any other woman… anywhere… this would have probably been pretty hot. But Lady Gaga appeared to be dressed up to vaguely resemble a fork with garlic mashed potatoes on the end. Like I said, the description is vague, but that’s really all I can come up with due to the irregular lace, -one- sheer stocking leg, and the giant pile of what appears to be, insulation, on her head. Yeah. That’s er.. pretty sexy.