Dirty Mag

Big news for those of you into the mature porno movie scene! And, a helpful precaution to the rest of the people in the world who prefer women who don’t remove their teeth before blowing a guy. They are making a Golden Girls porno, –they being the New Sensation film production company. The idea is to make an ‘All MILF’ parody, and I guess spoof the Golden Girls with the ‘hottest MILFs” out there today; Lisa Ann, Puma Suede, Julia Ann and Diamond Foxxx. Not really my thing, but still, some of these ladies haven’t yet passed their expiration date.

There are some Kama Sutra positions that really need to be overlooked, namely, most of them, unless you and your partner are both in peak physical condition, and capable of lifting at least 200 pounds comfortably, for extended periods of time. A couple examples:

Suspended Congress – The man supports himself against a wall, and the woman, sitting on his hands joined together and held underneath her, arms round his neck, her thighs alongside his waist, moves herself by her feet, which are touching the wall against which the man is leaning.

–First of all, if you have a bad back, you’ll probably put yourself in the hospital, if you drop the woman, you could fracture her lower back, or even rip her arms out of the sockets.

Turning Position – The man lays on top of his partner, and without removing his penis, turns himself, full circle.

–Think ‘helicopter’. Get it? Yeah. Not only do the physics of this move seem utterly impossible, but if you think you can handle it, keep it mind you can easily injure your dick, or literally, tear apart your girl’s vag if you’re not careful.

So maybe you should grab a “simple” kama sutra manual, before you go trying anything too complex. It’s good to mix it up, but not without really knowing what you’re doing, and being super careful.

I don’t understand the actual name of the fashion line, but whatever, unimportant. Lindsay Lohan has signed her name the fashion line 6126, –whether she actually designs the clothes or not is up for debate, but the line is clearly for sluttier dressers. Which is fine for us! Less clothing, more skin, for the win! Poetry, yeah. Lindsay Lohan did a photoshoot for her fashion line, –I guess they design clothes for back-up dancers in rap videos, but hey, hot anyway. Lohan is still looking fantastic, but personally, I miss the red hair.She looks so generic and bleh as a blond.

Aaaaah! Kim Kardashian’s is coming to get you! Someone, make her sit down, quick, before her ass eats that bikini and terrorizes the city! Seriously though, I love a huge ass, –not necessarily a gigantic 450 lb ass, but a big, -fat-, chewable ass. Something you can sink your teeth into. Anyway, Kim Kardashian’s ass isn’t quite there, but with a few more trips to Burger King, she’ll be there. In the meantime, here are a few pics of her in  a bikini.

When I think of vampire porn, I think of that skinhead guy from True Blood drill that redhead like a jackhammer, –and that was pretty graphic, but still, nothing really ‘showed’. Aside from his fabulous muscles and her tits. So while huge jugs, tattoos, and vampire sex is hot, the new softcore porn ‘I Am Virgin’ still has me on the fence. When it comes to porn, the story isn’t really important, but since the movie isn’t billed as actual porn, –they’re calling it a horror spoof/comedy, we have to at least throw out something for people interested in what happens.

The world is taken over by a vampire virus that turns everyone into a nymphomaniac vampire. The only way for humans to have sex with vampires without turning, as explained by Ron Jeremy in his crazy cameo, is to not feel guilty about the sex while you screw them. The only human left in all of post-apocalyptic Portland, Oregon, is a henpecked virgin, who has apparently suffered permanent damage from his anti-sex parents, –because the movie ends after he has done nothing more than spy on a bunch of vampires humping each other, and play with his dick.

The hot alt porno girls will keep you interested, and believe it or not, once you get about 46 minutes in, there is an actual shot of pussy. Just keep your eyes peeled. While the movie is great for guys who love a good, raging case of blue balls, there’s nothing graphic or “disgusting” as one reviewer referred to it, on IMDb. Yes, nary a cock or pussy to be found.

Admittedly, I own one of the “top 25 most disturbing sex toys” listed by Cracked.com, –the OhMiBod. Is it weird that I use it while listening to classical music? Anyway, here’s a list of our five favorite, weird sex toys. At least.. until they make some new ones.

1. Canned, Disposable Pussy – Oh yeah, you heard it. Inside, there’s squishy lubes, and soft spongy stuff that doesn’t exactly resemble skin, but meh, there’s free lube. You just pop the top, pop your top, then throw it in the trash. And there’s a hot anime babe on the side of the can too.

2. The Vee-String Masturbator – Though this thing does look pretty terrifying, one can easily see the transgender appeal. The idea is to basically wear a prosthetic pussy, like underwear. Although it is, in a way innovative, I can’t get over the Silence of the Lambs thing when I look at it.

3. I Rub My Duckie Massager – Okay, there really is no excuse for this thing; sure, it’s a cute idea for bath-time fun, but honestly, there’s no corresponding fetish for this. In the end, you’re just having sex with a cute little bath toy. If you’re old enough to buy your own sex toys, the least you can do is get a real one. Like…

2. The Drilldo – Just pop your dildo on one end, and crank the drill up. The only difference from a power tool is that it’s got a plastic barrel; oh and it’s not coated in grease and garage dirt. At least, not when it first comes out of the package.

1. The Baby Jesus Butt Plug – I’m not especially religious, but… I don’t think I’d ever consent to having this thing shoved up my ass. At least not without copious amounts of alcohol. Can someone email the manufacturer and ask why this thing is necessary? For people other than Linda Blair?

Occult sex had a huge following in the 60s and early 70s; enough to spawn tons of pulp publications that were considered some of the filthiest stuff you could buy in the back of your drugstore for 50 cents a pop. These are some of our favorites!

7. Search – Search isn’t  an  occult sex mag, which is why it gets extra points for its fabulous pieces on the occult sex explosion in the 60s and 70s, in V3 #2, published 1973.

6. Satan’s Scrapbook – Better than most, Satan’s Scrapbook is a bit too cheesy, and the few photos used in the mag look like rejects from their sister publications, Bitchcraft, and Black Magic.

5. Satan Sex Ceremonies – This dirty mag features photo spreads of naked Satanists mid ritual; not as long running as other occult sex mags, but still hot. Despite the cheesy title, many of their articles are well researched and prime reading material for anyone who enjoys the occasional dip into occult.

4. Witches & Bitches – Beautiful, naked, witches and Satanist bitches in various scenes of debauchery. Need I say more? Witches & Bitches came out before Bitchcraft, and mostly featured dominate women; hot for some, but I prefer my women in chains.

3. Bitchcraft – This mag, along with Satana, and Black Magic make it into the top three because, not only are their aesthetics dedicated  to Satanism, as it was popular n the 60s and 70s, but because they were some of the longest running publications.

2. Satana – While Black Magic has hotter photo spreads, Satana has the better covers; there’s always an incredible babe on the cover, and they never shied away from a little humor and fun in their mags. Sometimes, less schlock and more real humor is a great change.

1. Black Magic – My favorite of the early 60s upper echelon occult sex magazines, not because of the obvious occult hot sex, or the naked chicks. But because of their focus on ‘Lingerie Witchcraft’, –the worship of black stockings, garter belts, and high heels. Oh and because Barbie Conners’  ritualistic bendy poses make me wet.

Which is going to make it that much easier to justify all my masturbatory fantasies from back in the X-Men days, –oh, and you know, watching her sex scenes in True Blood with rapt attention. Despite being engaged to her co-star from True Blood, Stephen Moyer, Paquin seemed to have no trouble announcing to millions that she likes pussy too. Well, as long as her boyfriend doesn’t have a problem with the occasional threesome, then Mazel tov!

Reuters has more details:

“Oscar winner Anna Paquin came out as bisexual on Thursday in a video campaign for gay rights advocates, surprising the “True Blood” star’s fans and causing the organization’s web site to crash.

The actress’ message came in a celebrity-laden public service announcement for the Give a Damn campaign, a web-based anti-discrimination effort backed by singer Cyndi Lauper’s True Colors Fund.

“I’m bisexual,” Paquin said, before adding that “one hate crime is committed approximately every hour of every day in this country.”

Paquin last year confirmed that she is engaged to her boyfriend and “True Blood” co-star Stephen Moyer.

A representative for the actress could not immediately be reached for comment.”

The site crashed; wow. That’s a lot of bisexual chicks out there, hoping to get a chance for a date before Paquin ties the knot with Moyer. And maybe the half a dozen homophobic fans of True Blood repeatedly leaving rude comments, and shocked rants.

Just further proof that rich white blonde chicks have no business in the country music business. Though to be honest, when the occasional busty blonde country singing wannabe happens to get caught in a sex tape scandal, –well, who cares about what she’s doing to country music? She’s on her back, with her legs in the air!

The pill-popping star of ‘Celebrity Rehab’ is currently embroiled in a lawsuit with Vivid Entertainment, over the public release of her sex tape where she’s screwing some guy she calls “Peter”. McCready is also famous for being the “Baseball Mistress”, –Roger Clemens rejected her pleas to leave his wife for her. As far as the sex tape goes, we can’t find it, because Vivid Entertainment is hiding the teaser now that they’re being sued. But all we have to say is, thank god it was recorded before she got fat and wrinkly.

Sure, Jennifer Aniston and Gerard Butler are ‘just friends’ according to all Aniston’s pouty little interviews about her couple status. So one can’t help but wonder whether or not she lets all her friends finger her ass in public. Apparently, Gerard Butler didn’t think there could possibly be anyone standing behind the two of them, and certainly no one who might have a camera to capture him while he was digging for gold in Aniston’s ass crack.

Well, whatever his chances of getting laid were then, they’ve probably diminished since. Usually, women who aren’t voluntarily involved in the porn business, don’t like having photos taken of them with a finger buried in their ass. Sure, sure, it was just ‘over the clothes’, that’s what some people are screaming about the whole thing. Well, the fact is, just because clothing is there, doesn’t mean penetration doesn’t happen. It just requires a bit more pressure, and sorry guys, but I refuse to join the camp of women who seem to think having panties, pants, and a finger shoved up my ass is sexy. Not to mention the massive wedgie.