Dirty Mag

The Dutch porn star, Bobbi Eden, must be a huge fan of the Oranje, the national Netherlands football team, –she’s promised blow-jobs to all her Twitter followers, if the Oranje win this Sunday, when they play against Spain. She went from a sizeable 4,000 followers on Twitter, to 100,165, as of this moment. She recently posted: ‘more details on how to collect your blowjob on Monday’. I sure hope this isn’t some kind of weird trick, where she sends all these guys Fleshlites with mouth openings on them. She’s going to owe an entire city population worth of blowjobs by Monday. And if she doesn’t pay up guys, better call a lawyer!

Wow. Well, if the video is real, which is highly unlikely, Gary Coleman’s penis was HUGE! I say was, because at this point, even if it was huge, it’s not anymore. Gary Coleman, if you haven’t heard, is dead as a doornail as of just what, a week ago? The scene where enormous dong is waving around, is actually from a film: Midgets vs. Mascots. Of course, this is an independent film, since Coleman’s acting career has been dead for a long, long time. The movie itself, actually sounds funny, if you know… we hadn’t already seen about a thousand other movies just like it:

“In this Borat-meets-Jackass shockumentary, five little people and five mascots battle for one million dollars through 30 ridiculous competitions, including how many insults it takes to get punched in a bar, who can drink a gallon of milk the fastest and who can wrestle a live alligator. Gary Coleman, leading the “Littles” as himself, is a comedic freight train (or train wreck) as he gets into actual fist fights with mascots, coaches and even NBA star Scottie Pippen. Look forward to tear-inducing laughter when drunken and belligerent mascots take on a competitive and determined group of little people.”

I have a tip for any producer who wants to make a movie that will be like two movies already out there: Don’t. We’ve seen those movies. Jackass is old as hell, and everyone on the cast smokes crystal meth. And Borat? Sacha Baron Cohen’s best role of all time: King Julien, from Madagascar, –you know, the little monkey thing? Oh, lemur. In that, he was actually funny. Anyway, back on track here, sorry; Gary Coleman’s huge cock. He was suing the producers of the film because he didn’t want everyone to see his ridiculously large penis, –but why, I ask? People probably would respected him a little more, had they known, and he could have had a major career in midget porn.

Hunting around earlier, I found something really cute; the 20 Oddly Sexual Product Names. I’ve includes a few of my favorites below, and pics of course, because, you know, pics or it didn’t happen.

5. BootyGoo – I’ve actually seen several advertisements for this, and while I’m sure it’s a great product for diaper rasher, –that is what it’s for, –to me, it just sounds like a lubricant specifically designed for anal sex.

4. Hand Job ‘Better than Nothin’ – Obviously named by men, these are work gloves. I get a mental image of some very curious lumberjacks, for some reason, when I look at these.

3. Anis Candies – Probably doesn’t look as funny, spelled with an i.. Try saying it out loud. Obviously, this is candy made from anis seed, which is disgusting enough, really. But the product name is all loopy and pretty on the package, so the i looks more like a very suggestive u.

2. Homo Sausage – This comes from Asia, which is totally non-surprising. I have two guesses as to what the ‘homo’ part of the product means. Either, this is something just for gays that I know nothing about, or, that’s a piece of sausage made from human beings.

1. Manhattan Style Fish Assholes – See, this comes in the number one spot, because it’s not subtle at all. ‘Fish Assholes’, –how blunt can you be? No, I would eat anything that came from this can, but I do appreciate the humor.

Yeah, just one. I think, no matter who you are, or what you’re into, if there was ever someone who should always, -always-, keep their clothes on, it’s Amy Winehouse. Unless you happen to have a Hep C fetish, Winehouse just can’t do it for anyone. She was recently seen terrorizing Londoners with one breast angrily popping out of her blouse. After performing a short bit at the jazz After Dark bar in London, Winehouse paraded around her huge hair, and one large tit. For future reference honey, be sure to put both tits in the bra next time. Don’t just flop one over the cup and stuff one in.

Daisy Lowe, English fashion model, daughter of designer Pearl Lowe, and Bush frontman, Gavin Rossdale, is taking it all off for Esquire. Gosh, I bet mom and dad are so proud! Actually, she’s not exactly taking it all off, –in one of her ‘topless’ photos, she’s still actually wearing a shirt. Her boob just has problems with staying within the tank top is all. Totally understandable. She recently appeared in Esquire, doing the nostalgic rocker poses, while also, showing off some skin for those of us who prefer our women naked, and our porno mag articles short.

No big surprise, right? Wrong! Miley Cyrus is legal in Mexico, and few other actual areas of the U.S., but as for the rest of us, I’m pretty sure she’s off limits. But when she turns 18, the hunt is on! And with all the eye candy she’s throwing around all the time, you can hardly fault us for our enthusiasm. Sure, she might be a hypocrite, and there might be some questionable photos floating around in magazines where she’s pictured with her father looking less than a daughter, than like.. well… yeah. But that doesn’t mean she isn’t hot, and since when does a celebrity’s behavior actually matter? It’s how you look, not what you do, once you become celebrity spank bank material.

If you think that’s not news, there’s something wrong with you. Either, you were blind through an entire decade, or you were born in 2000; Jennifer Love Hewitt had almost no tits through most of her film career in the 90′s. Then suddenly, Heartbreakers rolls around, where she and Sigourney Weaver are showing off these massive chesticles that they never had before. Both women have been seen before in bras, and neither were sporting the tits they have now. Which means…? Don’t all raise your hands at once! Plastic surgery, ding ding ding! In a few new photos, Jennifer Love Hewitt is showing off her new tits, –but not her vajazzled va-jay-jay. Oh darn. But that’s okay, there’s still some nice cleavage.

Is there any simpler joy than to look up a hot chick’s dress? Well, there can be simpler joys than looking up Mischa Barton’s dress, –lately, as many have noticed, she isn’t exactly keeping herself together. Sure, it’s probably not as pro-woman as most of the ladies would like, but I’ll say it anyway: as a celebrity, you have an image to maintain, which means wearing makeup outside the house. Not just wandering around in old hand-me-down house dresses and looking like you’ve been eating the greasiest french fries you can find. So, as hot as her panties are, Barton seriously needs to start combing her hair, and applying her makeup better. In the mean time, she should keep wearing short dresses on windy days, –next time, without the panties.

Some of these aren’t exactly porn, –many are just accidental bits of explicit behavior caught in comic, magazine, movie, or sports form. Then again, there are of course other explanations, –maybe the guy designing that particular Archie comic was gay and liked group sex. Or perhaps, the guy in charge of drawing that cover for the Elmo book was a twisted pervert, or had seen Meet the Feebles too many times. Then again, we could just be reading too much into some innocent stuff, –but I doubt it. You can check out the other examples of Unintentional Porn here, after you look at our gallery.

As if we didn’t all see that coming? The posters are out for Lindsay Lohan’s new movie, Matthew Wilder’s ‘Inferno’. The film is about Linda Lovelace, the famous 70s porn star. And guess who gets the starring role? That’s right, –Lindsay Lohan will be portraying Linda Lovelace. The thing is, the two look almost nothing alike, –Lohan is actually attractive, whereas Linda Lovelace was ‘available’, as most female porn stars were in the 70s. Physical appearance wasn’t as much a priority as it is today, –whereas willingness was the main prerequisite. The new film is due to come out in 2011, and we’ve included some raunchy new Blohan posters for your viewing pleasure.