7 Horrifying Sex Tips from Cosmo
25 Mar
Sure guys, you like to think that those girly magazines can’t hurt you, but you’re wrong! Women’s magazine like Cosmo, Elle, etc., take away time she could be spending in the kitchen. Not to mention adding to time spent on the couch, with a laughably contemplative look on her face, a ballpoint pen, and endless multiple choice questions. But all these things are basically harmless, unless you’re easily pushed into a psychotic rage. No, Cosmo brings out the really dangerous stuff a few pages away from the monthly quiz. In the sex tips section.
Ladies, don’t do this stuff. Men, if she looks like she wants to try any of it, run away. Cracked.com has the full scoop on Cosmo’s plans to eventually create an army of eunuchs to rule the world.
1. “Very softly bite the skin of the scrotum.”
No. Don’t do this, ever. In fact, when one’s sack is bitten, the fact that you’re a girl may suddenly become second to the fact that you’ve just bitten his balls. I doubt Cosmo is going to pay for your dental/hospital bills.
2. Curtis, 33 says “The most amazing oral sex I’ve ever had was from a woman who jiggled my balls back and forth with her hand, like she was shaking dice in a cup. I thought I was going to explode!”
“Curtis” sounds more like a vindictive woman, first of all. Most men generally don’t care to have their balls smashed into each other rapidly. in fact, a game like Yahtzee! was never meant to be played with any genitalia at all.
3. Cesar, 28, says “A little known erogenous zone: the area between a guy’s navel and his penis. Lick it, tickle it, or gently tug the hairs there.”
Few men will enjoy a woman yanking on their pubes. To the ones that do, someone in Cosmo is definitely looking out for you. For the other 98% of guys who prefer not to have their cock hairs yanked, find and silence this “Cesar” fellow.
4. Cindy, 32, says “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel good effects.”
The only thing I can think of, is the possibility that the guy’s head might actually explode. Orgasm + a sneeze? Sounds like the answer to that equation is probably ‘seizure + death.’ Not to mention the likelihood of accidentally pouring pepper in his eye.
5. Steven, 23, says “It really sucks when a woman handles your manhood with care. Ladies, our units aren’t that sensitive. We need you to get a little rough with them –squeeze hard, suck hard, really grab on to it like you’re milking a cow. You may think you’re hurting him, but I guarantee if you asked, he’d request more, more.”
One of the more obvious sex tips from someone with a terrible sense of humor, the guy is basically saying, “Yank and squeeze on his cock, and when he starts screaming, you’ll know he likes it. Just don’t ask his permission.”
6. “Move my penis all around like an old-school Atari joystick –up, down, side to side, in a circle.”
Sure. Why not. She’s already attempted to bite off your nutsack, jiggled your balls like dice, yanked out half your pubic hair, poured pepper in your eye, and seriously mistreated your cock. At this point, some Atari joystick action will give you a chance to catch your breath, while she’s building up to finally putting you in the hospital. Or leave, quickly.
7. Jamie, 30, says “Make two fists around my shaft and twist them in opposite directions as fast as you can.”
Giving an Indian Burn to someone’s cock is a no-no. On your arm is one thing, on your dick, the amplified sensation would be similar to putting your junk in a meat grinder. Ladies, don’t do this, ever.
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Oh my goodness! I was stuck between laughing and cringing at some of these. I sure hope no women listened to this “advice” otherwise there’s going to be a lot of hurting guys out there.